


Je suis complètement fou de toi

by Lord_Overlord



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-03-07 10:59:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Overlord/pseuds/Lord_Overlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki was afraid of darkness. He was affraid it would bring back the memories of pain. He was afraid of having no one left around.</p><p>So Tsukiyama swore that he would never let him be alone again. </p><p>AU: Canon divergence- Tsukiyama gets to Kaneki before the CCG does.</p><p><b>Trigger warnings</b> for descriptions of violence, mild gore, panic attacks, vomit, and anxiety.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Obscurité

Darkness.

He was moving through a thick fog, which enveloped him and filled his lungs with filth, making it hard to breath. Every inch of his torn body was burning, the black that surrounded him hurting, throbbing.

_Excruciating pain._

Darkness enveloped him.

Once again, he got lost in the bliss of unconsciousness, but it seemed to last only for a moment, as the next thing he knew was darkness once again. And with darkness came the pain.

Sounds were dull and distant, as though he was emerged into thick, black water - water that burned through his bones and flesh, that ripped through his chest, and then sewed it back together.

He heard screaming.

He wanted to reach out but his broken body would not listen, shattered limbs would not obey. Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe he had only imagined it to fill in the empty void surrounding him. 

He couldn't think, his head pounded too loudly. He felt blood leaking out of his wounds.

But it didn't hurt. Pain was gone, and only darkness remained. He saw shapes and figures floating around - it wasn't scary anymore, it was peaceful.

Silent.

He was being lifted, placed back down again, invisible force tugging at him from every angle.

He felt water droplets stain his cheeks. Rain, perhaps. Maybe blood. But the pain had stopped and he didn't care. He was shaking. He wanted to sleep.

He was drifting away. He felt nothing.

Back into the darkness. Thick clouds enveloped him.

Darkness.

And then as suddenly as it had stopped, the pain returned. His body emerged in hell fire, burning away every last bit of his flesh and bone. He screamed, but his voice was silent. He struggled, but his body would not move.

He was chained.

Confided.

Bound.

Blind.

His eyes _\- oh, God, his eyes -_

His eyes burned - his head burned, and everything and anything left of his body.

It.

Burned.

He felt himself convulsing, vomiting, shaking.

_It hurt so damn much.  
_

But he could not see the fire that caused all the pain. The only thing he could see is darkness.

In the darkness, there was no one else but himself.

He was alone.

All alone, with nothing but pain and darkness.

He was betrayed by the world he gave his life to protect. And now there was no one left but himself.

He let himself be enveloped by the void one final time.

He let himself be destroyed. He let himself die.

And now there was no one left but himself.

 

 

_And darkness._


	2. Douleur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-mutilation;

The sounds of battle died down and got replaced by that weird silence - the one where it is so quiet one can only hear static coming from the inside of their own head.

Tears still stained Tsukiyama's face as he lay there, unmoving. He didn't want to move.

He didn't want to live.

Images of the happy, peaceful life he led with the Kaneki group kept flashing through his mind, and the tightness in his chest would only grow. Just thinking of his name brought tears back to his eyes...

_Kaneki..._

He must be dead by now. _He must be._

Kaneki was something else, something special, but Tsukiyama was sure that even he could not survive after the raid.

_K_ _aneki was..._

The coffee Nishiki left still stood there, untouched. Tsukiyama's eyes slowly drifted to it, tears rolling down his face once again.

Maybe - just maybe - it wasn't too late.

Maybe he was still-

Tsukiyama didn't allow false hope to creep into his heart. He slowly sat upright and downed the coffee in a single swing, like an alcoholic mourning his failures with a tenth shot of whiskey. He let his eyes wander over the distant battlefield, tracing the grey outline of buildings where smoke was still rising up only to disappear in the night skies.

He stood up, shaky on his legs.

_Being this unstable, all because of that damn boy..._

But Tsukiyama wasn't going to drown in self-pity. Neither was he going to just stay there and do nothing. Maybe, if he was lucky enough, he could get Kaneki's body-

He clenched his fists and started walking. One step at a time. No thoughts, no jumping to conclusions.

Just walking where his legs would carry.

Somehow, he was certain that in the end they were going to lead him to Kaneki.

• • • • •

Tsukiyama finally saw him.

He was lying on the ground, unmoving, in a puddle of blood, guts and filth. He was beaten, broken, his kagune withdrawn.

But it was him. _Kaneki._

A million thoughts crossed Tsukiyama's mind at once - but one kept standing out, screaming at him.

_"He's dead. He's dead. **He's dead.** "_

And soon enough Tsukiyama was screaming himself. 

He clutched Kaneki's body, held it close to his own, and let the tears flow.

He didn't care for the blood. Didn't care for the two big holes that were now in place of Kaneki's eyes. He just wanted to hear his voice - see his smile one last, final time. He was embracing the limp body, suffocating it, as though wanting to absorb it. 

Tsukiyama pulled back ever so slightly, looked at Kaneki's face and felt himself gagging - _his beautiful, darling boy..._

Suddenly, Kaneki's body convulsed, vomit began flowing out of his mouth and Tsukiyama all but jumped back. His eyes widened, hands were trembling - _did that mean...? Was Kaneki still...?_

He quickly turned the boy over, for him not to drown in his own fluids. Kaneki's body was shaking, and looking closer he could see the bits and pieces of him trying to pull themselves together, RC cells healing back his near-dead body.

Tsukiyama felt himself breaking down again. He never really stopped crying, no, but now his eyes were foggy with tears and his entire body was trembling and he couldn't breath.

He looked over at Kaneki - _in what pain must he be._

He knew what it was like to be near death. He knew how desperate it felt to consume own arm just to survive.

So when it came to the next thing he did, Tsukiyama didn't think twice.

He extracted his kagune, and, swallowing back tears, plunged it into his left arm. He bit back the scream that was forming in the back of his throat, cutting through his flesh and bone until the arm was completely sewn off up to the elbow. 

Blood rushed out of the wound and he gritted his teeth, trying his best to suppress the pain. He immediately felt the burning sensation of his body restoring itself.

 _It's going to be alright. It's going to be okay,_ \- he thought, snapping off the fingers on his detached, bloody arm.

One by one, piece by piece he stuck it into Kaneki's mouth, making sure the boy would swallow it whole. He finally calmed down enough to feel his pulse - Kaneki's heart was beating slow, painfully so.

Then, at times it excelled and was beating much faster than Tsukiyama's own, and Tsukiyama would feel Kaneki's body convulse. He couldn't help but hold the boy close when that happened.

Finally, the entire limb was stuffed down Kaneki's throat, and Tsukiyama was slowly restoring his new arm.

He took a deep breath and contemplated the next best course of action. Now he had to think and think hard.

For the last 7 months he has been living his life from day to day thinking only about Kaneki and what he had to do to ensure his safety. He forgot what it was like to be selfish. He forgot what it was like to care about no one but himself. Now he only cared about Kaneki, and everything to do with Kaneki.

The boy wouldn't be restored anytime soon, Tsukiyama knew that. He had to get him some place safe. Somewhere no one would come looking for him. A place far, far away from this hell hole.

Tsukiyama's head pounded from all the crying he's done, but it didn't stop him from coming up with the best idea he had in years. He only hoped Kaneki wouldn't kill him when he wakes up.

_If he wakes up..._

Just then, Tsukiyama heard footsteps and low voices nearing the two of them. He heard the words "Kakuja" and "Down" and immediately knew - the doves were here. They are coming back to collect Kaneki. Tsukiyama wouldn't - _no, couldn't_ \- allow that.

He picked the boy up in his arms, and thankfully there was just enough of the devoured one to provide support for the boy's legs.

He ran.

He was still shaky, still very unstable. Running hurt his lungs and legs, and it was twice as hard with Kaneki.

But he didn't stop once. Didn't look back. 

He will get Kaneki out of this place if it's the last thing he will ever do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, posting two chapters to get you guys started. 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy this fic - it gets more interesting later on! Also, way more fluffy, I promise!


	3. Éveil

Head pounded, eyes burned, entire body felt weak.

Those were the first few things Kaneki experienced when he finally broke free from the thick, black fog that clouded his mind.

Sounds became much sharper, and even the lightest chirp of a sparrow from somewhere far, far away hurt his ears, worsening his already intense headache.

Kaneki flexed the fingers of his right hand, which stiffly, reluctantly moved. He felt rigid and heavy, as though his body was made of wood and head filled with pig iron.

He also felt a weird, bittersweet taste on his tongue, but it wasn't entirely unpleasant. No, it was actually welcoming and somehow... Familiar.

Kaneki took a deep breath. The air burned his lungs and made it hard to breathe out. The darkness surrounding him was somehow unsettling, it sent a shiver down his spine.

He moved his heavy hand to touch his eyes, which still stung intensely, only to find them covered with a cloth. Kaneki momentarily wondered what it was and who put it there - and then, more importantly, he wondered where he was.

_The CCG? Anteiku?_

He was definitely lying on a bed.

All his memories were fuzzy. It was also hard to think. 

Kaneki, despite the horrible pain in his body, slowly sat up and removed the cloth around his eyes. Then, he lifted up his eyelids and-

Nothing.

Nothing but darkness. He couldn't see the outlines of furniture, he couldn't see his own hands that he now held up close to his face, waving them around. He couldn't even feel his eyelids to begin with. 

And the burning never went away. He tried to move his eyes around, to blink a few times, but couldn't. He then felt panic slowly creeping up his spine. He brought up a finger to touch his uncovered eyeball only to feel it disappear into a void which now resided in his sockets. 

Suddenly Kaneki felt himself shaking. He clutched the cloth in his hand, breath escalating, heart racing. He turned his head left and right, tried to blink again and stare into the space in front of him, but he couldn't do it. He saw nothing. Absolutely _nothing._

His chest clutched, stomach knotted. He crawled to the edge of the bed, tried to stand, to run, terror washing over him as his legs gave out and he fell with a loud thud, hitting his temple hard on the floor.

Sitting up, Kaneki brought his trembling hands up to feel his neck, his face, his head.

Before he realized it, he was on his knees, screaming his lungs out. His fingernails dug into his scalp, entire body tensed up, violently shaking. His voice was hoarse, and his throat hurt, but he wouldn't stop, couldn't.

He remembered then - remembered all the pain. He was afraid that it will return, afraid that he will never see light again.

But worst of all, he was afraid that he was all alone again. 

_If he was dead then this was hell._

Through the sound of his own screams he didn't hear the approaching footsteps, didn't hear the door open. It startled him half to death when he felt a hand tightly grip his shoulder and give him a shake. 

He immediately stopped yelling, but didn't move or say anything. He felt the heavy air surround him, his own heart pounding a million miles an hour to the point where it hurt his chest, felt fresh tears stain his cheeks, and felt the hand slowly tighten it's touch. After what seemed like a lifetime, he heard a voice emerging as though through smoke, as though from somewhere far away. 

"Kane...-" 

"-...un...-"

"Kane...-"

He held his breath, listening closer.  _Was he not alone...?_

"Kaneki-kun..?"

That voice... Kaneki knew it. Despite the pain and panic, he recognized it immediately. It was so gentle, so sad. And so familiar.

_So dear._

Voice hoarse and barely audible from all the screaming, with the last of his strength Kaneki managed to utter a few syllables -"Tsuki...ya...ma... san?"

_Please, please let it be him. I'm begging you please let it really be him._

He felt the man next to him tense up and then release his grip. The next thing Kaneki knew was two delicate hands cupping his face with such care and delicacy, as though he was fragile and could break any second - which was probably not far from the truth.

"Y-Yes, it's me. It's me, Kaneki-kun!"- Tsukiyama said happily, gently wiping tears (or blood) off of Kaneki's cheeks. He heard the distinct crack in the man's voice and knew he was crying too. 

But still, Kaneki felt a wave of relief wash over him, and, not thinking straight, he threw his arms around the man's neck, clutching onto the back of his shirt and stuffing his nose into his chest, inhaling deeply.  _It was really him._

He felt Tsukiyama's tears fall onto his temple, as his arms encircled him in a tight embrace. Kaneki held on _for dear life_ , terrified that if he'd let go Tsukiyama would vanish leaving him all alone again. 

"It's alright, Kaneki-kun. I'm here. You are not alone,"- the man whispered as though reading his mind, and Kaneki buried himself into the hug even deeper.

It was the only thing that mattered now - he was not alone. For a moment there was no pain, no burning. There was still the damn darkness, but he was not alone.

And with that thought, Kaneki felt himself drift off into oblivion.

• • • • •

He woke up sometime later, once again in bed. Touching his face, he felt the cloth wrapped back around his eyes.

His thoughts were racing, mind in a terrible rubble. He didn't know what was happening and where he was. He didn't know whether he managed to protect those he loved. And he still couldn't see a thing.

Trying his hardest to calm himself down, Kaneki quietly called out to Tsukiyama in his scratchy voice. He wasn't panicking like before, but he still felt a bit shaky, and the loneliness and darkness still scared him. Receiving no answer in the next few seconds, he desperately called out a second time, much louder. 

_Tsukiyama-san, please be there. Please don't be just a dream._ _  
_

In a moment, he heard the door open, and a sudden weight appeared next to him on the right side of the bed.

"I'm here, Kaneki-kun! Please don't worry, I am here,"- Tsukiyama said in a hurried voice, lightly squeezing his shoulder, as if to prove that he was actually, physically there.

Kaneki felt himself relax instantly. He took a deep breath and turned his head towards Tsukiyama's voice.

"What... is happening?"- he finally asked, his words sounding awkward to his own ears.

"It's alright, Kaneki-kun. You're safe here."

Kaneki really wanted to believe that. Was he really safe? And where was this 'here'? Was there anyone else besides Tsukiyama here? The unknown terrified him too much. He had to find out everything there is to find this instant. 

"Tsukiyama, where... where the hell are we?"- he said, trying to sound harsh and commanding, hoping to imitate the same no nonsense tone with which he always talked to the man. Instead, his voice came out a whisper and sounded more scared and pleading than anything else.

"Kaneki-kun, I... I will tell you all in due time. I promise,"- Tsukiyama answered, his voice uncertain, -"For now, you just need to rest and heal."

Kaneki couldn't argue - he didn't have the strength. And plus, he knew Tsukiyama was right. He remembered Arima's quique stabbing him through the eyes. He remembered the pain.

Kaneki felt his own body shaking once again. He was already feeling tired and drowsy, and now he also felt terribly cold.

Suddenly, Tsukiyama gently pulled him closer and tightly hugged him once again.

"Do not worry. Please, do not worry, mon cher. I promise you are safe. You just have to heal."

Kaneki believed him. For whatever reason, he believed that he was safe in the arms of a man that tried to kill and devour him so many times.

Maybe it was because he didn't want to be alone anymore. Maybe it was because Tsukiyama still didn't eat him, despite him being weak and broken. Maybe it was because of something else. 

For whatever reason it was, he believed Tsukiyama and snuggled into the warm embrace. 

• • • • •

The next several days were one like the other.

Kaneki would fade in and out of consciousness and call for Tsukiyama each time he awoke. Tsukiyama would be in the room the very next second, usually just squeezing his shoulder to reassure he was there. But sometimes Kaneki had sudden panic attacks, and during those episodes he would start shaking uncontrollably, vomiting or gagging, and it always ended with Tsukiyama embracing him until the boy calmed down and fainted again.

Tsukiyama would bring him fresh food and coffee each day and would spoon-feed Kaneki, since the latter was too weak to do anything himself. Kaneki then tried to ask questions, but always received the same answer of 'I will tell you everything once you've healed'. He was annoyed, but couldn't argue. Mainly because his periods of consciousness were too short for arguments, or completely taken up by panic attacks and then Tsukiyama's comfort.

Kaneki didn't know how many days, weeks, or months had passed, but he was finally feeling better. He wasn't sleeping the days anymore and could stay awake for hours on end. His voice was completely restored, body moving, and head didn't hurt as much. The only thing that still bothered him was the burning in his eyes that never went away.

Every waking second Kaneki spent with Tsukiyama, as he couldn't bear being alone. He couldn't shake off the feeling that if Tsukiyama wasn't there with him, there would be no one left in the world except for himself.

It has only gotten worse since one day Kaneki woke up just when Tsukiyama was out buying coffee. When the man returned, Kaneki was on his knees again, bawling, tearing his hair out and shaking as if he had hypothermia. Tsukiyama had to spend the entire day hugging him and reassuring that everything was alright, and then the entire night as well, since Kaneki woke up numerous times, shaking in fear and calling his name.

That incident caused Kaneki to cling tightly to the man whenever he entered the room.

Not that Tsukiyama objected.

It just so happened this time that when Kaneki woke up, Tsukiyama was already there.

"How are you feeling today, mon amour?"- he asked, and Kaneki could feel the bittersweet smile through his voice.

"Better. Much better. My head doesn't hurt at all,"- Kaneki answered, breathing in deeply. It was a nice feeling, being almost pain-free.

"That's great, Kaneki-kun!"- Kaneki felt pressure on the right side of the bed - sure sign Tsukiyama had sat down next to him, -"Would you like to eat now?"

"I'd rather not. Maybe later, thank you."

Out of habit, Kaneki reached out and grabbed the edge of Tsukiyama's shirt. He traced the wavy patterns with his fingertips, inspecting the soft material.

"Heh, I can't see it but I already know this shirt is ugly as hell,"- Kaneki said releasing the fabric. He received a soft chuckle from the other man.

"Perceptive as always, I see."

Kaneki sighed. It was nice, to be able to have a conversation that did not end in tears or fainting. People don't appreciate small talk enough. 

He felt the material of his own shirt and cringed. It was soft, way too soft. Much softer than anything he's used to wearing.

"Purple looks très bien on you, Kaneki-kun,"- Tsukiyama said, moving a bit closer, -"And that design suits you well. You should really consider having me buy your clothes."

"You're joking, right? Please tell me you're making fun of me,"- Kaneki gaped, horrified at the man's suggestion. 

"Oh, no, I wouldn't dream!"- the Gourmet stifled a chuckle and Kaneki mentally rolled his eyes. 

"I can  _hear_ the stupid smile you have on your face right now."

Tsukiyama only laughed in response. Kaneki smiled himself, still rubbing the fabric between his fingers.

A couple of hours later, Kaneki was still awake. He had eaten and talked to Tsukiyama, but his consciousness refused to fade out.

"I'm bored,"- he finally said, drumming his fingers on the duvet he was covered by.

"Hmm... Let me see what I can do to entertain you,"- Tsukiyama said, and the pressure on Kaneki's bed disappeared, -"I'll be gone only for a few minutes, alright?"

Kaneki sat there in indecision for a few moments, nervously biting his lower lip. He was reluctant to let the man go anywhere but...

He finally decided that he would be able to spend a few minutes on his own, even if in total darkness, and slowly nodded. It was time to start healing mentally as well, and this was the first step. 

Tsukiyama's footsteps grew fainter, and Kaneki grew more nervous, but he was surprised when they never fully disappeared. Kaneki heard the man walking around, moving things and mumbling something to himself in French.

The wait wasn't as agitating as Kaneki imagined, since apparently Tsukiyama didn't close the door. Kaneki mentally thanked him for that. 

Soon enough, the man returned and the pressure on the bed doubled.

"I brought some books, mon petit fleur!"- Tsukiyama all but sang, -"I think you'll like them."

Judging by the pressure, Tsukiyama brought _a lot_ of books.

"Would you like me to read them to you?"

Kaneki nodded once again. He obviously couldn't read them himself and there was definitely nothing better to do. Plus, he missed reading.  

Tsukiyama began from the very start, slowly and delicately, making sure to change his intonation at appropriate times.

He was a great narrator. 

Kaneki suddenly realized he really liked Tsukiyama's voice. It was calming and lulled him into a sense of safety.

So, a few pages later, it was no wonder that Kaneki fell asleep, tightly holding on to the edge of Tsukiyama's shirt. The man closed the book, and closed his eyes with it. He quietly sighed and stayed perfectly still not to disturb the sleep of the most important person in his life. 

Right now, Kaneki really did appear to be the happiest he has ever been in a long, long time, and Tsukiyama  couldn't help but smile, knowing he was part of the reason why.


	4. Lumière

Their routine lasted for a while and Kaneki would get better and better with each passing day. On one day Tsukiyama would have him sit up, then stand on another, then even walk around. He now ate on his own, was able to get up and feel his way to the bathroom without Tsukiyama carrying him there, and sometimes he would even walk around the place on his own, having gotten some sense of orientation.

The pain in his head disappeared completely, and the burning in his eyes was less intense. He didn't know how much time exactly had passed until one day he finally felt his eyes moving behind the bandage that never left his face.

Several days after that, Kaneki woke up, feeling his eyelids flutter open, lashes brushing against the soft material. He wouldn't lie - many times he worried that his eyes would never grow back, that he would stay in the darkness forever. But when the first thing he saw when he opened his newly restored eyes was bright light instead of the never-ending black, his heart began to hammer, breath hitching in his lungs. It was so bright it penetrated through the bandage and hurt him, so he cringed and turned away, covering himself up with his duvet. And then suddenly he realized -

-he could see.

_He could see!_

He lay there for a few moments, under the covers, blinking in darkness. Then, he slowly removed the bandage from his eyes.

At first, he saw nothing. Then, shifting the duvet just a little, he allowed some light from the outside to enter. Squinting and focusing hard, he could make out the blurry outlines of the creases in the covers, could make out that they were crystal white, and after enough time could even make out the tiny pattern of red roses on the edges. His heart continued to pound all this time. He then completely removed the covers, only to be met with a very dim and very blurry room.

Kaneki looked around for the first time since coming here, genuinely curious in his surroundings, which were nothing like he imagined. The king sized bed he was lying in stood in the center of a gigantic room. It had pillars and curtains draped at it's sides, which were crimson and gold and looked very expensive. On the left there was a big dresser, on the right there was an ornamented door, and the floor was covered by a fluffy crimson carpet. Kaneki fixated his gaze on that carpet, deciding he definitely had to touch it to figure out if it was really as soft as it looked. He was definitely not somewhere he has ever been before, but the place looked gorgeous.

The big red curtains at the end of the bed covered up the enormous (Kaneki assumed) windows. Through a single uncovered corner entered the bright light, hitting Kaneki straight in the face. That seemingly tiny ray of sunshine hurt his eyes tremendously, and he felt them burning once again. Kaneki cringed and placed his hands in front of his face to prevent the pain, just as the door to his room opened.

The former turned to look at the source of the sound, and felt his entire body freeze.

It was Tsukiyama, and he... looked so beautiful.

He was much thinner than Kaneki remembered him being, and the dark circles under his eyes were much deeper than ever before. But he still looked just like the model Kaneki remembered, and his feelings from their very first meeting came rushing back. He remembered how he was wondering at the time how could such a beautiful person even be real. Tsukiyama truly stood out among the rest, and not only due to his ridiculous clothes.

And now that he thought about clothes... He couldn't understand why Tsukiyama looked so unlike himself, but now he knew. The most striking difference between now and then was that the Gourmet was wearing a fitted plain black shirt and a pair of blue jeans. Nothing flashy, nothing bright. Just regular clothes anyone would wear. His purple hair wasn't accurately combed down, but stood out in all directions, and the clothes weren't even ironed.

And somehow, despite Tsukiyama looking like a wreck, Kaneki found him to be more beautiful than ever.

The man in the doorway held a silver tray with a plate of some finely prepared meat with a cup of coffee by it's side. Despite it being blurry, Kaneki still managed to make out the surprised expression the man wore on his face.

A moment of silent processing later, Tsukiyama crossed the way to Kaneki's bed in a few quick steps, and placed the tray on the bedside table. He gave his gentlest smile, touching Kaneki's shoulder lightly.

"Good morning, mon amour."

Tsukiyama was inspecting the half-ghoul's eyes, intently looking Kaneki from one to the other, as if trying to see if they had formed completely. Kaneki swallowed hard. Up close he was able to see just how bad Tsukiyama's lack of nutrition was. His cheekbones looked sharper, bags under his eyes were dark blue, as though they were bruises. He looked so tired, as if he spent months on end without sleep or food. It made Kaneki feel guilty, he felt like it was his fault.

And, most likely, it was.

"H-hey,"- he lamely said, blinking a few times to focus better, -"I can see you."

Tsukiyama's face turned into a complicated expression, eyes widened. Then, he bit his lower lip, obviously trying to hold back the already forming tears but he was still smiling. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again, looking away. Tsukiyama sat down on the bed, disbelief, confusion, surprise, happiness, all mixed in the weird expression he wore.

"Kaneki- I-"- he began again, turning to face the half-ghoul, but was interrupted by his own sudden giggle.

He covered up his mouth with a hand in embarrassment, completely turning his head away from Kaneki, a wide grin never leaving his face. He intently stared at the floor, slightly biting his hand, smiling almost like a maniac. 

Kaneki was more than baffled by the man's reaction - he looked as though... as though someone just told him his first child was born.

Then, after a long moment, Tsukiyama turned his head slightly, and looked at Kaneki from the corner of his eyes. And the next thing Kaneki knew was the man lunging forward and encompassing him with his long arms, laughing hard.

Tsukiyama hugged him tightly, his smile pressed to Kaneki's temple. He was all but snuggling the boy, and Kaneki once again felt tears wet his hair.

He was astonished. Never before in his life had he seen such a genuine reaction from Tsukiyama. No false pretense, flamboyant gestures, loud meaningless words. It was real. Real just like back then... right before he left... But Tsukiyama was on the ground then, broken, crying, and-

Kaneki stopped himself before these thoughts got out of control and he suffered another breakdown. The important thing was, it was the first time he saw Tsukiyama this genuinely happy. He was speechless, giggling, blushing, crying, and smiling the most beautiful smile Kaneki has ever seen. It was truly sincere. None of his usual bullshit.

This was the real Tsukiyama, and the real Tsukiyama was hugging him and Kaneki, unconsciously, was tightly hugging back.

A moment later, Tsukiyama pulled away, his hands still on Kaneki's arms, and looked deep into the half-ghoul's eyes. "I'm so happy you recovered" his gaze seem to say, but the man himself remained silent. Kaneki couldn't believe he had caused such a reaction from the man... it was beautiful, and he realized he was willing to go very far just to be able to see it again.

"So, uh- haha-"- Kaneki nervously laughed, getting flushed, -"Breakfast in bed, huh?"- he tried to brush the whole thing off, but he realized that he already missed Tsukiyama's warmth. _Dammit._

"Oui! Bien sur, mon amour,"- the man jumped up, as though just remembering the food he prepared (and the rest of the world as well).

Tsukiyama gently placed the tray onto Kaneki's lap, the latter inspecting the plates placed on top with reluctance. It was quite easy to eat when he was in darkness and didn't see what he ate. Now, he was afraid he couldn't bear to even taste the food Tsukiyama worked so hard to prepare. For some reason, he felt his humanity now stronger than ever since the tortures back at Aogiri hideout.

He carefully looked at the food and, to his own surprise, the meat arranged on the plate looked really nice. Appetizing. It even had a bit of basil placed near it - not that Kaneki could eat that. Still, it was a nice attachment and he felt saliva begin to gather at the corners of his mouth. The smell of it was fantastic.

Despite that, he couldn't will himself to dig in right then and there. There was a tiny voice at the back of his head, which yelled at him to look at Tsukiyama again and realize just exactly in what state he was. That same voice then told him that to look the way he did Tsukiyama had to had eaten so very little (or maybe not a thing) ever since he and Kaneki moved to wherever they were now. He could imagine around a month, maybe more, has passed ever since he regained his consciousness, but who knows how much time has passed before Kaneki woke up. Maybe it's been many months, and Tsukiyama hadn't bothered to properly eat or sleep.

Kaneki thought about all those times he called the man over, not really knowing if it was day or deep night, and how Tsukiyama was always by his side in literal seconds. Did he not sleep at all just to make sure he'd get to Kaneki in time...?

He felt so damn guilty. Immediately, his crueler side told him to forget about it - it was his own damn fault. Tsukiyama didn't have to do all this for Kaneki, no one asked him to. He didn't have to starve and sleep deprive himself just to make sure the half-ghoul was alright. He didn't have to look so damn happy right now just because Kaneki could see. He didn't have to be so fucking handsome, gentle, and considerate.

But he was. He was all that and so much more.

And now, since he was alive and whole, Kaneki knew Tsukiyama had no ulterior motives. He simply saved Kaneki's life.

In this internal debate, his softer side won over, and he pushed the tray a bit farther away.

"Um, Tsukiyama-san, I was actually thinking... Maybe it's time for me to have breakfast in the dining room?"- he said, smiling nervously, -"I don't want to be spoiled to the point where I won't be able to leave this bed and you will have to look after me all the time."

"But it's no trouble for me at all, Kaneki-kun! If you wish so, I will serve you forever, and you won't ever have to leave,"- Tsukiyama said smiling, but Kaneki didn't think he was joking.

He laughed nevertheless.

"Oh, it's alright, Tsukiyama-san,"- _you already have done so much - too much_ , -"Besides, we could have breakfast together."

Tsukiyama seemed to want to refuse, but then almost immediately brightened up at the idea, and grabbed the tray from the half-ghoul's lap. He told Kaneki that he'd go and prepare himself breakfast while the other man would properly get out of bed. Just as Kaneki suspected, the man didn't bother to prepare anything at all for himself.

Once he left, Kaneki sighed wearily. He had very strange thoughts about Tsukiyama lately, but he blamed it all on the fact that he was terrified and lost, and happened to suffer a terrible shock. All the pain caused by the quinque stabbing his eyes and brain out must have really had some impact on him.

At the time of his waking up, Kaneki was just happy to know he was not alone.

And now he was sure that Tsukiyama was not going to eat him, like he originally planned. Honestly, he suspected that the Gourmet had lost interest in devouring him some time ago, but the man himself seemed to be unaware of that fact. The moment he broke down in tears and begged him not to go to fight the CCG, Kaneki knew that Tsukiyama accepted that he was no longer simple prey, but something else.

At that moment though the half-ghoul did not have the time or the mind to wonder what that 'something else' was. He was determined to save the people he loved, and he couldn't let anything - or anyone - stop him.

Now he was genuinely interested in what Tsukiyama thought of him. But he decided he would ask that a bit later - first and foremost he needed to know just where the hell were they.

Kaneki threw back the duvet and jumped off of the bed, determined to finally find out the truth. Though, before he could even make a step, his head began to spin, feet gave out from underneath him, and the notorious Centipede fell to the floor with a loud thud. Thankfully, it didn't hurt thanks to the fact that the carpet he fell on top of was as soft as he imagined it to be.

Feeling weak in body and mind, Kaneki couldn't help but do the only thing he knew how to do in this situation - call for Tsukiyama.

The man arrived within seconds, abandoning all his breakfast preparations to rush to his side- "Kaneki-kun, are you alright? Oh my god, Kaneki-kun!"

"I'm alright, Tsukiyama-san,"- Kaneki mumbled, keeping his face planted into the floor to keep Tsukiyama from seeing his embarrassment, -"I just, uh, slipped. Could you help me get up?"

Tsukiyama carefully lifted Kaneki's arm and threw it over his shoulders, as he helped the younger man get up on his feet. As soon as Tsukiyama thought he was standing up right, Kaneki's vision momentarily darkened, feet gave out again, and he would've fallen face down once more, if a pair of two strong arms didn't reach out to prevent it.

Tsukiyama mumbled something in Italian or Spanish and, after turning the half-ghoul around to face him instead of the Kaneki-shaped impression in the carpet, picked him up bridal style.

"H-hey!"- Kaneki yelped, arms shooting out to wrap around Tsukiyama's neck, -"What are you doing?"

"Je suis désolé, mon ami, but I'm afraid you can't stand on your own."

Kaneki hated to admit it, but he was right. He must've gotten up too suddenly, as his head now pounded and black dots swum around his vision. It was really annoying, but he was helpless once again and had to rely on Tsukiyama. The man, despite looking much skinnier than before, still carried Kaneki without much effort and placed him down at the dining table in front of his plate. Telling Kaneki he would be over in a second, he disappeared into the kitchen.

This was the time for Kaneki to look around the rest of the place. It was definitely not a mansion or a villa, but an apartment, he decided judging by the size. The colors of the walls surrounding him were red, white, and purple, but it wasn't eccentric, and neither did it hurt the eyes to look around. The furniture and decorations coordinated perfectly with the overall style of the place. It was obviously a designer's job.

The table he now sat at was located to the right of what appeared to be the kitchen, where Tsukiyama disappeared a moment ago. A bit further from it there was the bathroom door. So behind him had to be the main entrance, Kaneki concluded. The entire right wall of the apartment was draped with white curtains through which light could still ever so slightly enter the room. More windows.

Near the bedroom, there were a few steps leading down to the couch and the TV area.

Kaneki noticed how there was a pillow and a blanket placed on the couch and realized that this must have been where Tsukiyama was sleeping - or at least spending his nights.

Another wave of guilt washed over him, as Tsukiyama finally emerged from the kitchen carrying a plate with his own food and another coffee mug. He sat at the table across from Kaneki, placing his utensils at the sides.

"How are you feeling, mon cher?"

"Um... Better, I guess. Head isn't spinning as much."

Tsukiyama beamed at that and proceeded to dig into his food. He ate with such passion and appetite, Kaneki couldn't help but wonder once again when exactly was the last time the man tasted any food.

The half-ghoul picked up his own knife and fork and began to eat the marvelously prepared meat. As soon as the first piece of meat touched his tongue, Kaneki nearly melted.

"Tsukiyama-san, your cooking is fantastic!"- Kaneki said, and Tsukiyama gave him a bright smile, thanking him in a different language. But the compliment wasn't in the very least an exaggeration, or Kaneki attempting to be polite.

No wonder Tsukiyama obsessed with food, the way he cooked it was astonishing. The meat tasted so different, and so superior to anything he ever ate before. He wondered why didn't the ghouls back at Anteiku cook the same way-

And then Kaneki suddenly remembered what he has been meaning to ask the man all this time.

"Tsukiyama-san..."- he began, forgetting about food altogether, -"As you can imagine, I have a lot of questions."

The purple haired man placed the mug he was sipping coffee from back on the table, expression suddenly unreadable.

"Oui, I know."

"Would you please inform me of what, exactly, is happening right now?"

Tsukiyama locked his hands together and brought them up to his mouth. He stared intently at Kaneki, before finally sighing in defeat and looking away.

"I guess I should really tell you, mon cher. Just... Please promise you won't kill me for this?"

Kaneki tensed up at the words. _What did Tsukiyama do...?_

Nevertheless, he was certain he wouldn't be able to kill Tsukiyama anytime soon, for more than one reason. He nodded and prepared himself for the long awaited explanation of what the hell was going on.

"I- uh. Well... Hm. I guess I should start from the very beginning?"- Kaneki nodded again, -"Alright, then. As you know, you and I had, uh, less than a graceful parting."

Tsukiyama stood up and started slowly walking around the room. He sounded like it was hard for him to bring those memories back up. Kaneki understood him completely.

"I lay on that rooftop for- um, about... Hm, now that I think about it, I'm not actually sure how long. But I definitely know that the raid was already over when Nishiki-san left... And then I lay some more and-"- he swallowed hard at this point, -"I really thought you were already dead, Kaneki-kun. But I still got up and walked and walked and finally found your dead body..."

He stopped to clear his throat, and turned around to look Kaneki in the eyes.

"Or at least that's what I thought. You were alive, Kaneki-kun, alive and hurt beyond belief. I'm sure anyone else would have died a long time ago from the wounds, but you were alive and healing and-" Tsukiyama stopped again, collecting himself.

It was painful for Kaneki as well, to remember all that happened. So the screams he heard back then were real... _Tsukiyama-san..._

"You were so weak and malnourished I- I had to-"- words wouldn't come out his mouth, and he turned his back to Kaneki, -"You must understand, Kaneki-kun, I had to do something so ensure you would heal and survive. Please forgive me."

Kaneki didn't like the sound of that. Did Tsukiyama kill someone just to feed him? Did he... Kill someone important to Kaneki? His stomach tensed up.

"I had to feed you... With, uh, myself."

Kaneki's eyes widened at those words, the knot in his stomach growing tighter. He certainly was not expecting that.

_What the-_

"What the fuck do you mean?"- he whispered, not having the strength for anything else.

"It's not as horrific as it sounds, Kaneki-kun, I promise!"- Tsukiyama waved his hands and sat back down, -"I simply fed you with my arm. I had to eat it myself to survive once, so I know I taste pretty good. If that's any consolation to you..."

But it barely was. Kaneki felt like he was about to vomit.

He ate Tsukiyama's arm... For some reason it sounded terribly sick. He ate numerous ghouls before, but just the fact that it was Tsukiyama, that he was unconscious, that the man was willing to tear off his own arm just to make sure Kaneki would heal properly, was sickening. Now Kaneki felt his eyes glisten with tears, and he swallowed them back hard.

Tsukiyama... He truly cared for Kaneki, didn't he...

"I'm so sorry, Kaneki-kun, you must be disgusted..."

"Yes. I am,"- Kaneki said, hands forming into fists, -"Disgusted with myself for being so fucking weak."

"Kaneki-?"

"I should be the one apologizing, Tsukiyama-san. You sacrificed so much for me. I thank you,"- if his damn head didn't spin so much, he would've gotten up and walked out the door just to make sure Tsukiyama never bothered with his stupid self any more.

But he was just too weak.

"No, Kaneki-kun, I-"

"I should just leave you and never fucking return. I cause just too much trouble for you,"- Kaneki said, barely holding back tears, -"I should just go and- and-"

That man sacrificed his time, his money, the entire Ghoul Restaurant, all his previous life, and now his own arm and well-being just to make sure Kaneki was feeling alright. It didn't matter that it was because of selfish reasons at first - now the reason behind his actions was different, and Kaneki hated himself for being so cruel. He was cruel with Tsukiyama even after he realized the man was not going to eat him, cruel when he broke down and cried and for dear life begged him not to go. Kaneki was an idiot and once again he fucked everything up.

He should just go and-

"-and fucking die in a hole somewhere-!"

"Kaneki-kun,"- Tsukiyama said harshly, standing up and hitting the table with his hand. Kaneki flinched and Tsukiyama sat back down, closing his eyes, face looking serene for just a split moment before suddenly he opened his eyes back up and his expression turned into a death glare, -"I apologize, but I would kindly appreciate it if you could just- shut up."

Kaneki immediately did. The suddenness of Tsukiyama's outburst left him in a silent stupor.

"Kaneki-kun,"- the man began again, quieter and calmer this time, -"You do realize I would not have done any of that if I hadn't wanted to, right?"

Tears now fully streaming down his face, Kaneki wiped them with the back of his sleeve and sniffed. Yeah, he realized that.

"Do not make me out to be some selfless hero,"- Tsukiyama continued, grabbing a napkin from the table and wiping Kaneki's tears away, -"I 'sacrificed' so much, as you say, only because I wished to do so. And if you left me I would follow you right back,"- he paused, and then laughed, -"Perhaps I am not a dagger underneath you pillow, but rather a boomerang that will return right back no matter how many times you throw me away."

"Or a loyal dog."- Kaneki offered, receiving another chuckle from the Gourmet.

"Yes. I am your loyal dog, and I would never have not done anything like that for anyone else but my master."

"I thought I was your food."- _but not anymore, of course._

"Not anymore."

Tsukiyama grew quiet, expression became conflicted. It appeared that he has figured that much out, but was still confused about the rest.

If he wasn't doing all this to eat him, then why was he doing it at all?

Somehow, Kaneki felt that it wasn't the appropriate time to ask this, or that he would receive an answer at all. So he just sat there in silence, before moving on to his next question.

"What happened to Anteiku?"

"As far as I know, everyone's in hiding and the café is closed."

"Are they all okay?"

"Again, as far as I know, they are."

Kaneki sighed in relief. At least that much is clear. Finally, he had to ask the most important question of all.

"So... Will you finally tell me where the hell are we?"

Tsukiyama looked at him confused, but then seemed to have remembered that Kaneki still didn't know. The man stood up, and grabbed the side of one of the curtains that still hid the view.

"Prepare yourself for this one, mon cher,"- he chuckled, speaking with the voice of an announcer -"You shall be surprised! I just hope you won't murder me for this..."

He inhaled, holding his breath, and sharply pulled the curtain back.

Light immediately filled the room, and Kaneki had to turn away and shield his eyes, not to get hurt by the brightness. But after a few moments, his vision began to adjust, seeing became less of a pain, and he turned to finally look out the window.

First thing he noticed were the bright white apartment houses that hurt to look at because of the way they reflected the sunlight. They were low and pretty identical in Kaneki's still blurry vision. He also noticed the deep bright blue of the sky, and the green of many trees. It was spring time, as far as he could tell.

In the distance, there was what seemed to be a black peak, reaching into the sky, significantly taller than other buildings.

_Tokyo Tower...? No... that didn't seem right... Wait-_

"The Eiffel Tower!?"- Kaneki jumped out of his seat, gluing his hands and face to the window, -"We're in France!?"

Tsukiyama beamed, -"Oui, mon amour."

 _"You brought me to fucking France!?"_ \- Kaneki couldn't believe his eyes. He never traveled outside Japan before, yet along Asia. And now he was in fucking France.

His rational side told him he should be concerned, worried for his friends back at home, even mad at Tsukiyama for bringing him all the way around the globe. But he was smiling and looking out the window at the gorgeous view. He even felt himself slightly jumping up and down like an excited child. He couldn't help himself.

His mother never took vacations. She never relaxed or allowed herself a day off, so he never got to experience what a true holiday felt like. And now he was in France and it was beautiful.

"To be honest, I'm surprised, mon cher,"- Tsukiyama said, wide eyed but smiling at Kaneki's reactions, -"I thought you'd be mad, but you seem more excited than ever."

Kaneki couldn't disagree. He should be mad. He really really should, yet he wasn't.

Images of him and Tsukiyama walking around French parks, visiting café's and museums, Tsukiyama talking to people in French as he listened... It really sounded amazing.

Kaneki bit his lip, finally stepping back from the window and turned to face Tsukiyama.

"Would you like to go outside?"- the man asked, as though reading Kaneki's thoughts.

The half-ghoul nodded enthusiastically, throwing more glances out the window. The entire world seemed to be colored differently now that he knew where they were. Everything was so much brighter and clearer... Though it was most likely due to the fact that Tsukiyama now opened the curtains and let the light in. Doesn't matter, Kaneki thought. Nothing mattered at the moment. The pain in his head disappeared, he was filled with energy and life, and he wanted to explore this new world around him. Nothing was going to stop him from enjoying himself, at least for today.

But first, Kaneki decided that he was going to take a shower.

He didn't want to scare French people off with his foul stench.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little story. 
> 
> When I was writing about Tsukiyama's reaction to Kaneki seeing again, I thought to tone it down at first because hell, who would react like that? 
> 
> But then when I thought about it, I realized Tsukiyama would. 
> 
> He spent at least a few months looking after Kaneki, being everywhere with him, watching the boy suffer so much pain, calm him down after panic attacks. How many dreamless nights had he spent blaming himself for this? For not following Kaneki? If Kaneki stayed blind forever, Tsukiyama would never forgive himself. 
> 
> Where am I going with this? 
> 
> I just wanted to say that Tsukiyama Shuu is a precious baby that must be protected at all costs 
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter!( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ


	5. Jalousie

Kaneki locked the bathroom door behind him, and slid down the frame to rest on the floor.

Convincing Tsukiyama that he really did need a shower (desperately, too) had been a bigger chore than he expected. The man was terribly worried that the warm water and steam would cause Kaneki to faint, or maybe even asphyxiate. So he tried to assure the half-ghoul that he smelled splendidly and, as a matter of fact, better than he ever had before.

Despite Tsukiyama's words, Kaneki was sure that French people, and people in general, would not appreciate his 'unique' scent the same way he did. In the end he had to resort to saying that if he really did smell so amazing, it would certainly attract other ghouls' attention, and he didn't want that. That seemed to easily enough convince the Gourmet in the necessity of a shower. 

Another task completely was trying to have Tsukiyama allow him to take the shower by himself - the man followed Kaneki to the bathroom, insisting that it is of absolute importance that he was there, just in case things go wrong. 

Kaneki felt this 'kind offer' should have made his stomach force out all the food he had just eaten - but he only felt it flutter, as blood quickly rushed to his cheeks. 

But then Tsukiyama had the audacity to suggest that he wash Kaneki himself, and that caused the half-ghoul to nearly kick his face in. Instead, he slammed the bathroom door in Tsukiyama's face, saying that he will be alright on his own.

He was growing soft, he decided. This whole being-in-a-foreign-country excitement, mixed in with his temporary blindness and state of shock made him soft. But thankfully, he still had enough sense not to feel like standing naked under water while Tsukiyama watched. 

Kaneki threw a glance at the shower. He hadn't had one in - what was it? Months? Yeah, probably. Gross.He was about to jump right in but then... 

 _What the fuck,_ \- he thought.

It wasn't a question, but rather a statement. The inside looked less like a shower and more like a fucking tank, or maybe a high security vault.  _What kind of a shower has more than two knobs?_

There were at least 5, and then 3 more levers, and also a billion buttons. Kaneki felt terror rising in his gut as he realized he had no idea how to operate this war machine. Calling Tsukiyama was absolutely and completely out of the question - he would never leave.

 

Sighing, Kaneki walked over to the full length mirror in the corner of the room. Maybe he didn't look too bad, maybe he didn't really need a shower...

"Oh."

The single sound escaped his lips as Kaneki inspected his reflection. He actually looked much worse than he imagined, and it wasn't only due to the pale purple shirt that hung from his shoulders. 

His hair stood on ends and looked waxy. It was dark gray now, practically black at the roots. He still had scrapes of dirt here and there on his body, though it appeared Tsukiyama had him cleaned up for the most part. His body was smaller, thinner, and he had somehow looked more timid than before. Kaneki inspected his eyes, which seemd to be slightly red and puffy. He wasn't sure whether it was from crying or from being restored just recently, but he brought a finger up to his eyelid to slightly pull it back. Eveyrhting looked normal, completely regrown. Phew. His eyes then fell on his dirty nails, and Kaneki firmly decided he could not possibly continue looking like he just crawled out of a gutter.

He lifted the long, ugly shirt over his head (which he really did not find _that_ ugly, but Tsukiyama didn't have to know), and was relieved to discover his own black shorts covering the bottom half of his body. At least Tsukiyama wasn't a creepy pervert - this time - and kept his pants on.  

Taking them off, he walked into the shower, which was unusually large. _Two people could easily fit in here..._

Kaneki snapped himself out of the thoughts that threatened to take a weird turn, and turned the first knob. Nothing happened. He inspected the shower once again, but any writing, what little there was, was in French. He then decided to try his luck again, and  turned a second knob. After a long moment, sudden loud gargling sounds startled Kaneki to the point he nearly slipped. He turned both knobs, but the noise wouldn't stop.

Panicking, Kaneki turned all the knobs at once, hoping the noise would go away. Freezing water shot at him from the holes in the sides of the shower, and then from the top and the shower head as well. The pressure was so high it hurt, water got in his ears and mouth, and Kaneki practically ran out the cabin, stumbling over. He grabbed his shorts and barely pulled them on before rushing out the door. 

"Your shower is fucking insane,"- he loudly informed Tsukiyama, who was washing the plates after their breakfast. 

"Kaneki-kun? Is everything al-"- the man's voice got caught up as his eyes met with Kaneki's.

He saw Tsukiyama's gaze travel down south to the half-ghoul's bare chest, and the man swallowed hard. Kaneki pointedly ignored the shamefully long stare, pretending not to notice, until the man finally returned to reality, and covering the crack in his voice with a fake cough asked Kaneki if anything was wrong. 

"Your shower is what's wrong,"- Kaneki said, unconsciously crossing arms over his chest. Tsukiyama had the audacity to keep throwing not-so-subtle glances, and Kaneki felt a blush creep up his neck, -"I think I just launched a missile in there, it's so fucking loud. And there are also, like, a bajillion buttons. How the hell do you operate the thing?"

Tsukiyama raised an eyebrow, throwing a glance in the direction of the bathroom, and then back to Kaneki, as if asking if it was okay to enter. Kaneki stepped aside to let him pass. 

The Gourmet chuckled when he saw the mess in the bathroom - in his hustle Kaneki managed to knock over several bottles of lotion and what-not. Not bothering to remove his shirt, the man walked into the shower, unflinching when the freezing water washed over him, and turned a few knobs, followed by lifting a lever and pressing several buttons. The water stopped, and then the noise was gone as well. 

Kaneki looked at his ministrations trying to remember what thing did what, but realized it was futile. He just wanted to take a normal shower under normal temperatured water - was that really too much to ask? 

Tsukiayama stepped out of the cabin, completely drenched. Wet hair stuck to his forehead and cheeks, droplets sliding down his chin and falling on the floor. His black shirt clung tightly to his form, outlining the ever-present muscles. The thin material of the shirt made it possible to see the six pack Tsukiyama usually hid under big jackets and the erect nipples, which resulted from the freezing water. Kaneki's heart hitched as his eyes traveled up and down the man's form.

Tsukiayama walked to Kaneki and pushed his wet hair back with one hand, smirking, eyes half closed. At that moment Kaneki realized that the bastard  _knew._

Heknew how _perfectly gorgeous_ he was, and now was _torturing_ Kaneki, and Kaneki fell for it in the blink of an eye. 

"All done, mon cher,"- Tsukiyama said in the most erotic voice Kaneki ever heard, -"You just pull the middle lever, and you can have your shower in peace."

Kaneki wasn't sure if he nodded or not, as the sight of a wet Tsukiyama made him lose control over his own body. Nevertheless, the man walked past him to the door. The half-ghoul was about to sigh in relief when suddenly he heard a voice from behind him. 

"Oh, and. Kaneki-kun,"- Tsukiyama said, turning back. He pushed his hair back again, and slightly bit his lip, -"The knob you tried turned on the jacuzzi. We can try it out later, if you want. Ce sera amusant."

With that, he walked out and closed the door, but Kaneki could swear he saw him wink beforehand. That, and the purred French words, made Kaneki's knees weak. He stumbled into the shower, almost forgetting to take off his shorts. Tsukiyama adjusted the water temperature to be very warm, just the way Kaneki usually liked it. But right now, he felt liked drenching himself with a bucket of ice.

It was the weirdest he felt, ever. He wanted to disregard it, to brush it off, but it was just too _weird._ Tsukiyama's company affected him in a very strange way. Kaneki decided to concentrate on washing the dirt off of his hair and body.

He said he was going to enjoy himself today, and he will. 

And no amount of Tsukiyama related weirdness was going to stop him. 

• • • • •

Kaneki wrapped himself up in a fluffy bath robe and exited the now steamy bathroom. He felt so much better now, much happier and more relaxed. Tsukiyama sat on the couch, reading a book. To Kaneki's big surprise, he changed into a plain white shirt this time, wearing a black hoodie on top.

"Your fashion sense sure changed,"- the boy said, plopping down on the couch beside the Gourmet, -"Looks normal now."

Tsukiyama looked at him, then at himself, and then back at Kaneki, -"I thought you hate every article of clothing I own," - he said with a smile, closing down his book.

"I don't _hate_ it. It's just... Well, let's just say I'd really rather burn your clothes than wear them myself,"- Tsukiyama laughed at that, and then Kaneki added quietly, -"But it doesn't mean you should stop wearing your fancy suits."

"Oh? But you just said that this atrocious plain clothing looks normal."

"Normal does not necessarily mean better."

Both men grew quiet, simply looking at each other, Tsukiyama trying to figure out whether this was a complement or what, and Kaneki simply confused on why would he say something like that. The latter stood up and walked back to the bedroom. In all honesty, he thought Tsukiyama looked beautiful in anything he wore, so he decided to leave the room before he accidentally said it out loud and embarrassed himself. He opened the gigantic closet (since Tsukiyama gave him explicit permission to treat the apartment as his own), and roamed around to find something more or less wearable. Instead, he found a bunch of suits of every color of the spectrum, and shirts and pants of every imaginable pattern.

Kaneki sighed heavily - _he really was hopeless without Tsukiyama, wasn't he?_ \- and called out the man's name. As soon as he came, Kaneki gave him the task of finding him a perfect 'first-day-in-France' outfit, and the Gourmet happily got to work. 

Tsukiyama was humming a tune of some sorts as he carefully looked through his clothes, matching up one thing with another, until he finally stopped on a striped, dark purple button up shirt and a pair of black trousers.

"There, Kaneki-kun, you will look perfect in this,"- he said, handing the items over, along with a black eye patch, -"I bought this just for you."

Kaneki inspected the eye patch - plain black, just the way he liked it - and then the clothes.

"I wore these back in high school, so considering your size, they should fit you perfectly,"- Tsukiyama told him. 

Kaneki somehow felt that he should have been offended by that, but said nothing. He went off to the bathroom to quickly dress and dry his hair, and when he came back Tsukiyama had changed into a bright red suit. He now looked so much more like himself, and Kaneki felt himself smile at that.

Tsukiyama also opened up the curtains in the bedroom. The view was even better than from the living room, as no buildings obscured it, and he could clearly see the Eiffel Tower in all it's glory. He definitely wanted to visit it some time soon. 

"Why do you keep dressing me in purple?"- Kaneki asked as Tsukiyama came closer and rolled up the sleeves of the half-ghoul's shirt. 

"I already told you. It looks très bien on you."

Kaneki squinted his eyes at the Gourmet for a moment,  -"What the fuck does that even mean? You say it all the damn time but what the fuck does it mean?"

Tsukiyama was taken aback. And then he laughed. 

"It simply means very good, Kaneki-kun. I thought you knew."

"How would I? You never translate your gibberish,"- Kaneki said, looking himself over in the mirror. He had to admit, he did look pretty good. Much better than before, at least. 

He adjusted his hair with his fingers, when suddenly he noticed a patch of black at the roots. he thought it was dirt before, but now it seemed like it was his actual hair color. Weird. 

"Kaneki-kun, I think your hair is turning black again,"- Tsukiyama noticed too,  -"I think it suits you"

The half-ghoul threw one last look at himself in the mirror.

"Yeah. I think it does."

• • • • •

The two men sat in an _actual, real_ French café, and Kaneki was restless. People around them spoke loudly, traditional music played through the speakers on the walls, and he felt so alive. He only wished he could try all the fancy looking food, but you can't always have everything, can you?

They sat outside so Kaneki could enjoy the warm weather and look around. Everything was bright and beautiful, so full of color and life, that Kaneki felt a shiver run down his spine thinking he could have never seen it, whether due to him dying earlier or staying blind forever. He couldn't help but be thankful to whatever supernatural being made it possible for his vision to be back. 

Actually, he knew exactly who was responsible, and it was no being. The man was sitting across from him, and Kaneki threw him a meaningful glance, mentally saying thank you. 

"You know,"- Tsukiyama said after they sat for a while in silence, -"The first time I visited France, I went into a café and ordered nearly everything on the menu. Everything looked so good, but was no better tasting than rotten piles of garbage. I was so disappointed - and they say French cuisine is the best."

"How old were you?"

"Nine, I think."

Kaneki couldn't help but laugh, imagining a tiny Tsukiyama tasting a piece of cake and then promptly spitting it out, pouting and complaining afterwards. He then realized how little he knew of the man - why did he have an apartment in France? Where did he get all his money from? Just who, exactly, are his parents? He was genuinely interested in his life story, and now was a time as good as ever to find out. 

But before Kaneki could ask any of that, a small blonde waitress came up to him, and asked something in French. She looked expectantly at Kaneki, waiting for his answer as she held up a pen and a black notebook, but the boy only blinked in confusion. Thankfully, Tsukiyama came to his rescue, leaning over the table and saying something to her with a charming smile. _Does he always smile like that?_ _Why was he smiling like that?_

The waitress giggled, showing off her perfect white teeth, then nodded, writing something in her notebook, and walked off. Kaneki didn't understand a word of that exchange, but for some reason became really mad at her. _Why the hell was she giggling so loudly?_

Surely anything Tsukiyama said couldn't have been _that_ funny. _Why is he joking around with her anyways?_

"What did you say?"- Kaneki asked, before he could stop himself.

"I simply ordered us coffee."

"Then why was she laughing so obnoxiously?"

Tsukiyama raised an eyebrow in confusion, puzzled by the sudden harsh comment, -"I told her you wouldn't answer any time soon, seeing as you cannot understand her. I am certain that laugh was simply her being polite."

"Yeah, well, don't talk about me when I can't understand it."

Tsukiyama's eyes grew wide, but he didn't say anything. Kaneki looked away. The entire atmosphere became much tenser.

He didn't know why he was so damn mad. He just was. Maybe these mood swings developed as a result of his trauma. 

When the waitress came back with their coffee, Kaneki glared her down, but she didn't seem to pay attention - her eyes were all but physically glued to Tsukiyama. 

"Merci beaucoup,"- the man purred, and she smiled at him before walking away. Tightness formed in Kaneki's stomach at the words, and his eyes followed the waitress, practically drilling a hole in her back, up until she went inside. 

Once she was gone, Kaneki exploded, -"What are you fucking thanking her for!? It's her damn job."

He suddenly remembered the time Tsukiyama visited him at Kamii. He remembered how the man introduced himself, and when Kaneki told him he could sit down, he whispered the same thing.  _'Merci beaucoup'._ Kaneki remembered how flushed he became when he heard the foreign words being spoken, how he hid behind his book to prevent the man from seeing his reddened face.

He then firmly decided he was going to have that damn waitress for lunch. 

Tsukiyama's jaw dropped, and he stared at Kaneki in disbelief, -"Is everything alright, mon amour?"

"Everything's fucking perfect!"- Kaneki was nearly yelling. He took a large gulp of his coffee, which was hot and burned his tongue, but he didn't care, -"And quit calling me- whatever you just called me."

"Mon amour?"- the man asked, still confused.

"Just fucking stop. You can go and call that your waitress."

Tsukiyama seemed to have finally picked up on what was going on. He relaxed, leaned forward on the table, crossing his arms, and gave a low chuckle. 

"And why would I call a waitress I just met 'my love'?"

"Because you fucking-"-  _Wait, what?_

_What did he just say?_

"M-My love?"- Kaneki stuttered, only now fully processing Tsukiyama's words, -"But why would you call _me_   your love?"

The question was out before Kaneki could stop himself, and he instantly regretted it. He saw Tsukiyama tense up, his cheeks slightly reddening.

Before anything else could be said or done, the waitress came back to announce that the two of them had just received a free 'couples dessert' - a new spring-time promotion at the café.

"Madam, nous ne somme pas-!"- Tsukiyama began, but she already walked away, leaving a heart shaped chocolate tart on the table between them.

The Gourmet looked quietly at a confused Kaneki for a moment, and then briefly translated what just happened. Silence grew as the men first stared at the desert, then at each other, and then at the waitress, who was happily walking around, serving other clients. No one said a word. 

And then loud laughter erupted between them. 

It was _ridiculous._ This whole thing was ridiculous, Kaneki thought, as he doubled over. Tsukiyama threw his head back holding his stomach, laughing hard. People were staring but Kaneki didn't care. All the tension between them was gone instantaneously. 

"What a shame we can't eat it, huh?"- Kaneki said, finally calming down. He inspected the chocolate heart and added, -"I can't believe she thought we're a couple."

"And you were worried I was going to run away with her, huh?"- Tsukiyama gently teased, and Kaneki felt embarrassed, -"Maybe that's why she assumed we were."

He wasn't worried about that he was just... uh, mad that... Tsukiyama was flirting with the... _Fuck._

Kaneki looked away. The thing that was going on, he didn't like it. One bit. He could brush it off only so many times, until he had to face whatever exactly  _it_ was.  

"It's most likely because of your stupid 'my love' thing,"- he retorted, finding the need to say something. 

Tsukiyama didn't reply, only took a sip of his coffee. Kaneki remembered about his own, and drank it too. It was really, really good, now that it no longer burned. France was really a great country. 

"Where would you like to go next, mon petit fleur?"- Tsukiyama asked. 

 _Hey, a new nickname, -_  Kaneki thought. He might or might not have been secretly keeping track of all of them. It was an easier way to learn French - and it didn't matter that he didn't really want to learn French.  _  
_

"A park, perhaps? Or just walk around the city? The weather is nice, I'd like to stay outside,"- he answered, finishing the last of his coffee. 

"D'accord. Anything you want,"- Tsukiyama said, just as the waitress returned. 

She said something long and complicated in French, and Tsukiyama replied, just as long and complicated. Then, seemingly for only the second time that day, she turned to look at Kaneki. 

"Très bien?"- she asked slowly, as if talking to a child, and smiled brightly. 

Kaneki, confused, looked over at Tsukiyama and then blushed, seeing the man looking at him expectantly. He swallowed hard.

"T-turebiyan,"- he stuttered out and turned away, both the waitress and Tsukiyama beaming at the adorable sight. 

Tsukiyama gave her his credit card, and she disappeared indoors.

"That was great, Kaneki-kun!"- he offered, but Kaneki was still blushing and refused to look at him.

"That was so embarrassing, you damn bastard, you'll pay for this,"- he mumbled trying to sound serious, but the man only laughed in response.

The waitress soon brought Tsukiyama's card back, and the two of them stood up to leave. 

Kaneki suddenly realized that he had no money on him - as a matter of fact, he didn't have anything. Not even clothes. He looked over at the man that walked beside him. Maybe he wasn't a 'selfless hero', but he cared for Kaneki and cared a lot. Kaneki was eternally grateful, and eternally in his debt. 

"Are you liking France so far, mon cher?"- Tsukiyama suddenly asked, turning to face him.

Kaneki was about to answer but then... He thought about how easy it was to make the Gourmet happy with simple, stupid things. How he would beam any time the half-ghoul even so much as recognize his existence. Even if he was in eternal debt, he could still try his best to pay it off, somehow. And hell, he already embarrassed himself today, so why not do it again? 

"Kaneki-kun?"- Tsukiyama asked, seeing the conflicted expression on the boy's face.

"Ah, yes. I do like France, very much,"- and then, turning away added, -"It is- um, t-turebien,"- he immediately felt the blush return to his cheeks, regretting ever thinking saying it was a good idea. 

Tsukiyama's lips turned into a wide smile. He tried with the best of his ability to withstand from d'aw-ing at the adorable, blushing boy. 

Coming to France was certainly the best idea he had in years.  

* * *

**Bonus**

_Shower scene. Tsukiyama's POV._

Once he entered the shower cabin, he realized it was a terrible idea. The water was freezing and he was wet in an instant. 

 _Well what did you expect to have happened, idiot?_ \- he mentally slapped himself. 

He lost all his senses when it came to Kaneki, doing things on impulse, completely letting his guard down.

He could barely stand on his legs, having not slept in the past 2 days, but that jolt of freezing water surely woke him up. He was back up, fully functioning, and ready to make Kaneki's every wish come true.

And first of them was to have the shower working properly.

He adjusted the settings, having turned off the jacuzzi and raising the temperature of the water. Now Kaneki only had to pull a lever, and the shower would work perfectly.

He exited the cabin, shivering and hoping he didn't look like too much of a mess. He immediately noticed how intensely Kaneki stared at him, eyes moving up and down his body. Did he really look that bad? Of course he did, he was drenched.

Wet hair annoyingly stuck to the edges of his face, so he pushed it back with one hand, giving Kaneki an awkward, half-sided smile. 

"All done, mon cher,"- he said, throat hoarse and voice lower than usual. Damn freezing water. He only hoped he didn't catch a cold, -"You just pull the middle lever, and you can have your shower in peace."

Kaneki nodded slightly, and Tsukiyama decided to scurry off before the half-ghoul lost his patience. Why did he have to be so damn awkward in the first place and suggest to wash Kaneki...? He really was worried about the boy fainting, but this was too much. Ugh, he embarrassed himself. 

Suddenly, he remembered that he didn't tell Kaneki about the jacuzzi. Would he be even interested in that? 

_Well, doesn't hurt to mention it._

"Oh, and. Kaneki-kun,"- he said, turning around in the doorway.

Stupid hair got in his eyes again, and he pushed it back. Uncertainty washed over him - maybe it _would_ hurt if he mentioned the jacuzzi. He never knew how Kaneki would react and what he would think. He bit his lip, pondering on whether to continue with this or not. 

Ah, but he already called Kaneki's name, and the beautiful boy was staring back at him with an unreadable expression. He might as well just say it.

"The knob you tried turned on the jacuzzi. We can try it out later, if you want. Ce sera amusant."

Just as he was about to walk out, a droplet from his drenched hair rolled down and fell into his eye. He squinted, and closed the door behind him.

Damn, that was all very awkward.

Just where the hell did all his smoothness go when he needed it so much...? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki, Tsukiyama really isn't as suave as you think. 
> 
> In other news, raise your hand if wet Tsukiyama makes you hard.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~(Raises hand)~~


	6. Nuit

Crystal blue sky, puffy white clouds, brilliant green trees, and the sun that shined bright and warm made Kaneki's heart leap. He realized that he never appreciated the simple things in life - for example, never before would he have payed such great attention to the tiny blue pond in the park, to the way its glistening clear waters reflected the sunlight. But now he felt as though he was reborn, and he knew that that pond was beautiful.

He inhaled deeply.

The air smelled of coffee and Tsukiyama's expensive cologne. The park they walked around was not the biggest one in Paris, but it was still sweet and close to home.  _Or, rather, Tsukiyama's apartment,_  Kaneki corrected in his head.

He never felt better than he did now. All the panic was gone completely, his anxieties lessened by the sunlight. He got lost in his own peaceful world, slowly strolling down the paved terrace. 

A few minutes later, he realized that Tsukiyama, who has been babbling on about history of Eiffel Tower and best bookstores in France, grew uncharacteristically quiet. Kaneki turned to his left, where the man has been walking alongside, only to find him standing several steps behind.

Tsukiyama was pressing his fingers against his forehead, an unsettling look on his face. He stared at the ground intently, eyebrows crossed, and breathing heavily.

"Tsukiyama-san!"- Kaneki called, panic rising within him. When he received no answer, he called again louder, running over.

The man raised his head to look at the half-ghoul. His face was pale, eyes dazed. He squinted and parted his mouth slightly, as though about to say something. Suddenly, his eyes slowly began rolling back in his head and Tsukiyama's already paled skin turned almost green.

"TSUKIYAMA-SAN,"- Kaneki screamed as he began falling backwards. The boy ran to his side and extended his arms to support Tsukiyama's head and back, barely catching the man before he hit the pavement.

Kaneki quickly got on his knees and placed the Gourmet's head on his lap. He tried hitting his cheeks lightly a few times - no response.

He was hyperventilating. Kaneki had no idea what was happening, what he had to do, or whether Tsukiyama was okay. Any people that were around before seemed to have disappeared. 

Kaneki's vision momentarily darkened. 

He was all alone again. His body began to shiver, thoughts scrambled up, he was gagging. A jolt of burning pain in his eyes brought memories back, and Kaneki knew he was about to have a panic attack, He tried to collect himself together, slapping hard his own face.   

Just then, a sudden movement in his lap caused Kaneki to hold his breath. Tsukiyama slightly turned his head from side to side, then blinked a few times returning to his senses. He looked around and his eyes caught Kaneki's.

"Kaneki... kun?"- he said weakly and furrowed his brows, -"Wh-what...?"

Kaneki sighed in relief, still shivering, and gently cupped Tsukiyama's face, -"Thank god you're alright."

They looked at each other for a long moment, Tsukiyama adjusting his vision as Kaneki tried convincing his panicked self that everything was alright. 

"I feel weird,"- the man said, slowly sitting up. He looked back at Kaneki's worried expression, rubbing his forehead, and bit his lip, -"I'm- I'm really sorry, Kaneki-kun. I must have fainted."

Kaneki realized that. He also realized that it must have been from exhaustion and malnutrition. He realized that he shouldn't have dragged Tsukiyama outside only because he was feeling better. He was in a bad condition, now even in a worsened one than Kaneki, and he didn't think about it at all. After all the stress he went through, the man needed rest, not stroll around parks and deal with Kaneki's jealousy fits.

 _Great, now i'm admitting I was jealous,-_ he thought, standing up.  

"Let's get you home,"- Kaneki said in the calmest possible voice, and went over to help Tsukiyama get up. He threw the man's arm over his shoulders, wrapping his own around his waist, -"C'mon."

"Th-thank you,"- Tsukiyama breathed. He was weak on his legs and leaned on Kaneki heavily, his eyes were still dazed and face was pale, but he could walk well enough to get back to the apartment. 

Kaneki practically had to carry him all the way, and so it took much longer than necessary before they finally reached the front door. The half-ghoul lead Tsukiyama to the couch, since it was closer than the bedroom, and the man lied down. He stayed silent the entire time. 

"You really let yourself go,"- Kaneki commented, worriedly looking him over, and Tsukiyama gave him a strangled laugh. Now he could clearly see how reddened Tsukiyama's eyes were, how deeply his forehead creased. How could he have just ignored all this before...? 

Kaneki was about to say something else - to apologize, to accuse Tsukiyama of being dumb for stressing so much - but he was already asleep. Not wanting to disturb him, Kaneki just sighed. 

He was being selfish. It was true that Tsukiyama did bring this upon himself, but that didn't give Kaneki the right to abuse his kindness. He went over to the dinner table and sat down - he needed to think things over for a bit. Everything that was happening was just so  _weird._

And he did not only mean him being in France. Yes, that was weird, but not weirder than the thoughts he was having about Tsukiyama Shuu. He could understand why he willingly accepted the man's help while he was blind - helplessness and panic tend to do that with people. But the way he actually came to not only like, but crave Tsukiyama's company - well, it was weird. The way his body reacted to the drenched Tsukiyama, the way he got stupidly jealous over some poor waitress (and he couldn't call it any other thing but jealousy no matter how hard he tried). And now he was calling Tsukiyama's apartment 'home', at least to himself. Kaneki tried to think for a single reason why this  _weird_  thing that was happening was actually not only  _weird_ , but _terrible_. He tried to think of something he hated about the man.

Like, for example, his obsession with eating Kaneki... that was not there anymore. He traded it for an obsession with Kaneki's well-being, which Kaneki didn't really hate. So, it didn't count. He tried to think about something else - and with horror he realized. 

He liked everything about Tsukiyama. He liked his voice, his cooking, his smell. Even his dumb taste in clothes, his over the top gestures and expressions, his ridiculous way of inserting random words in different languages when he spoke.

The adorable nicknames Kaneki did not understand, the way he smiled kindly despite harsh words, how he would most definitely betray the entire world just for Kaneki's sake, his gorgeous face and body, his silky purple hair, his delicate, gentle hands, his thin pink lips, and them kissing Kaneki softly on the mouth, and going lower down his jaw, and then his neck and chest and-

" _Shit_ ,"- Kaneki swore under his breath, snapping out of his thoughts.  _What the fuck..._

Tsukiyama turned on the couch, and Kaneki felt a tight knot form in his stomach. Maybe thinking things over was not a good idea. He momentarily imagined how Touka would slap him up the head if she ever found out what he was thinking. 

 _Touka..._  

He didn't hear from her or anyone from Anteiku in such a long time. He wondered whether he would be able to somehow contact them anytime soon, and then his eyes fell on a telephone hanging in the corner of the room.  _Oh._

It was there the whole time, wasn't it. He could've called... A pang of guilt hit him as he realized how worried they all must be. So it didn't take long before he walked over and took the phone in his hands.

Tsukiyama will have to forgive him the phone bill, but calling was urgent. He dialed a familiar number he memorized a long time ago. A moment later, he heard a voice, but none he recognized. The phone has been turned off, the machine told him in a monotone, and Kaneki immediately hung up. 

 _Dammit, Hide, why turn it off now...-_ he thought, inhaling deep. Hide had to be okay, he knew it. He just... knew it.

Trying again, he dialed a different number and anxiously waited for a reply. Several agonizing rings later, he finally heard a voice on the other end and he got excited, only to be disappointed again a moment later. 

"Hello! You have reached Kirishima Touka. For whatever reason, I can't answer right now, but please leave a message after the tone."

Kaneki sighed. He didn't know what time it was back in Japan, so he could be calling  really late or really early. He quickly mumbled something about him being well and alive and in Tsukiyama's care. He also said that Tsukiyama was not a threat anymore, and that he will call back later himself. 

He didn't mention that he was in France, just in case. 

Kaneki then walked around the apartment, wondering what to do. He didn't want to turn the TV on, in case Tsukiyama was a light sleeper - not that he'd understand. He also didn't feel like reading. 

A grumbling in his stomach told him that eating might be the next best thing to do. Kaneki walked over to the kitchen and opened the fridge. As he expected, there was nothing but meat in there, and some bottles filled with red liquid. Kaneki knew exactly what it was, but didn't really pay attention to it. He heard Tsukiyama shift around again. He would most likely be terribly hungry upon waking up...  

Kaneki threw a glance at the stove in the corner. Tsukiyama would also most likely be too weak to prepare food for himself so... Should Kaneki even try...? 

He was never a great cook, and very rarely prepared meals himself, much less gourmet meals. He was just a hamburger loving kind of guy. But Tsukiyama had really high standards, and Kaneki wasn't sure if he could pull anything off. Plus, just how did gourmet's prepare their food? Can ghouls eat spices and such? Or was it just a matter of frying or boiling?

He inspected the stove, finding it surreal to be just standing there. Ever since becoming a ghoul, the only thing he did in a kitchen was pour himself coffee, and now food preparation seemed like such a human thing to do... Kaneki's eyes fell on top of a small piece of paper, which was stuck to the fridge with a magnet.

A recipe. Tsukiyama must have written it down not to forget. 

Well, now there was almost no excuse for Kaneki not to try and do something nice for the Gourmet. He only hoped he wouldn't burn down the entire kitchen in the process. 

• • • • •

Tsukiyama stirred, and shifted, as though about to wake up. Kaneki saw it, and immediately ran to the kitchen to get the dinner. To be honest, he was quite proud of himself. The food didn't taste half bad - not as good as Tsukiyama's, of course, but definitely not something that belonged in the garbage can. He placed the prepared meal along with a glass of wine and the utensils on the coffee table in front of the man, then stood there eagerly waiting for him to fully wake up. 

"Mm, Kaneki?"- Tsukiyama mumbled, rubbing his eyes. Kaneki practically bounced, waiting for the man to try his cooking out. It had been difficult to get it right on the first try, and he burned a lot of meat on his way to making a meal that was edible. He had to eat all his failed experiments, not to waste food, but it was worth it in the end. 

Tsukiyama sat up, still sleepy and confused, and then noticed the plate with the still warm food. He looked at Kaneki, rising an eyebrow in question.

"I made dinner!"- the latter said, maybe a bit too loud. Tsukiyama's expression though did not become any less puzzled.

"You... made dinner, Kaneki-kun?"

"Uh-huh."

"Wait, you actually went into the kitchen and- prepared this?"

"Y-yeah? Why? I shouldn't have?"- Kaneki began to question his decisions - maybe food preparation was something sacred. Maybe Tsukiyama will hate it and blame him for wasting food. Maybe he did everything wrong again. 

Tsukiyama blinked a few times, then sat up a bit closer to inspect the food and grabbed a fork, poking the meat. Then, he grinned from ear to ear. 

"Kaneki-kun, I- I can't believe you really would do something like that,"- he looked at the half-ghoul, eyes sparkling with gratitude, -"And for me nevertheless."

"Well, of course, not like I'd ever do it for anyone else,"- the words were out before Kaneki could even think about their meaning. Tsukiyama slightly tilted his head, trying to process what he said, and Kaneki blushed profusely. He then coughed, and sat down on the couch besides Tsukiyama. 

"Are you going to try it, or have I wasted my damn time?"- he asked and the man immediately cut himself a piece, eating it whole. 

"It's really great, mon cher!"- he said after what seemed like forever for Kaneki.

Though, despite the honest look, Kaneki couldn't help but be skeptic, -"You're just saying that."

"Non, non! I honestly like it,"- the boy threw him another distrustful look, and Tsukiyama sighed, -"Mon amour, it's really good. I do admit I had better tasting food, but just the fact that you prepared makes it the best meal in the whole world."

Kaneki blushed again at those words. Stupid Gourmet with his stupid flattery. Who does he think he is, making Kaneki all jittery like that, and with the whole  _mon amour_ thing...

"Besides, it was your first try, and I honestly thought you'd do worse,"- Tsukiyama then added laughing, and Kaneki lightly punched him in the arm, -"Ow! I only said what I was thinking."

"Eat, don't talk."

For a few moments Tsukiyama ate in silence, Kaneki watching as the meat disappeared behind his lips that now regained their color. Kaneki remembered the thoughts he's been having and suddenly the peaceful silence became awkward. He felt like a creep, just staring at the man as he ate.

"Uh, I called Touka-chan while you were asleep,"- he said the first thing that came to mind. Tsukiyama immediately stopped eating and turned to face Kaneki, clearly interested, -"She didn't answer, so I just left a message."

"Bien sur, mon amour, Japan is eight hours ahead of  France. She must have been asleep."

"Oh. Well, I told her that I'm okay and alive and stuff. I didn't say where I was."

Tsukiyama nodded, returning to his meal. Kaneki sat for a while, quiet, but his eyes kept travelling to the man's lips, hair, eyes. He looked much healthier already, and Kaneki loved it.

"How did you even bring me here?"- he started again, choosing the first topic that came to mind. He really had to stop with this 'talking before you think' thing before he said  _too much_ , -"I can't imagine you carrying me on a plane in the condition I was in."

"Hm, perhaps not on a public plane, no,"- Tsukiyama answered taking a sip of his wine. He didn't say much more, so it took Kaneki some time before he finally understood.  

"Wait, you have a  _private plane_?"

"Not personally, but my parents do. A private airport as well. You can imagine it was not much of a problem, mon amour."

Kaneki was taken aback.  _Just how much money does this guy have?_

Tsukiyama finished the last of his meal and turned to Kaneki, smiling, -"It was vrai fantastique, Kaneki-kun.  _Merci beacoup._ "

Those damn words again... Kaneki's breath hitched, and he quickly gathered up the dishes. The Gourmet objected, saying that he would clean up himself, but he had no mind to let him so much as get up from the couch. The most movement Tsukiyama was allowed to make is removing his jacket, that was all wrinkled up and dirty. Kaneki made sure he lied down and got rest, at least until tomorrow, which he, of course, was really unhappy about.

But by the time the half-ghoul was done with the dishes, Tsukiyama was already soundly asleep.  _Idiot._

Kaneki walked over to the bedroom. It was late, and not like he had a lot to do, so he might as well join Tsukiyama in the dreamland. He really planned on switching and sleeping on the couch tonight, but he didn't want to unnecessarily wake the Gourmet. He would enjoy the big bed for one more night. 

• • • • •

An hour must have passed, and Kaneki wasn't able so much as close his eyes. He looked around the dark room, the curtains that he closed a while ago, and tried his best to convince himself that outside those curtains there were billions and billions of people. 

Yet, he still felt alone.

Lying with eyes closed for a long time caused him to believe he would never see light again, so he opened them just to make sure he wasn't blind. It was infuriating, tiring. 

Scary. 

Would he now be unable to fall asleep at all? He tried to think how the hell was he able to sleep all this time, before his vision restored. Everything was just the way it was now - he lied on this very bed, in the same pose, it was dark around. He didn't have that same feeling of anxiety and fear. No, wait, he did, but only sometimes. The times where...

Tsukiyama wasn't there. The only thing that was missing was Tsukiyama.

He slept in the other room now, and it would be absolutely horrible of Kaneki to walk over there and wake him up, only to ask him to watch over Kaneki until he fell asleep. He couldn't allow himself to be that selfish anymore.

But he also couldn't sleep. And he really needed it, seeing as he was still weaker than usual and tired from the eventful day. There were several options here:

He could go with having Tsukiyama stay up, which wasn't happening. He could stay up the entire night himself - it also was not the greatest plan. He could, theoretically, go over to the next room, and sleep on the floor near Tsukiyama... but no way in hell, he had more pride than that. 

Last one was asking Tsukiyama to sleep in the bed with him. It was big enough for two people, big enough for them not to even touch during the night. Still, Kaneki felt the weirdest of all thinking about it. Sharing a bed with Tsukiyama was ridiculous, he would never agree to it! 

But it was a lie and Kaneki knew it. He would agree happily. But it was still weird. No... Was it? He shared a bed with Hide when they were small. It wasn't that weird. But Hide was Hide, and he was his best friend, and just who the hell was Tsukiyama?

Kaneki knew that he had no answer to that. A predator, an ally, his 'sword', his loyal dog... and now what? 

He sighed heavily. 'But' this, 'but' that. He was tired and wanted to fucking sleep. 

So, getting out of bed, he strolled over to Tsukiyama and shook him awake. After the man had finally gotten back to his senses, Kaneki tried to explain what was going on. 

"I can't sleep,"- he began, trying not to sound too weird, -"The darkness, uh, unsettles me."

Tsukiyama yawned, stretching a bit, -"Do you want me to stay up with you, Kaneki-kun?"

"Um, no. I want you to, uh... do something about it,"- he offered, like it was the best explanation ever. Saying 'I want you to sleep in one bed with me' did not seem like the normal-est thing to say, so he hoped Tsukiyama would get it. 

And, surprisingly enough, he did! 

The Gourmet stood up and walked over to the bedroom, Kaneki following him behind, -"That shirt looks très bien on you, mon cher."

Kaneki looked down at himself. He borrowed one of Tsukiyama's uglier shirts to sleep in, and he certainly did not find it to look good on him. But if Tsukiyama did, it was great. 

Kaneki got back on the bed on the side he usually slept, waiting for the man to come around and join him. Instead, he walked over to the closed curtains, and then pulled them back. 

The room immediately got a bit brighter, streetlight and the glowing Eiffel Tower illuminating it beautifully. Kaneki stared at it in wonder, thinking how absolutely amazing France was. But then, out of the corner of his eyes he saw Tsukiyama headed for the door.

"I hope this helps,"- he said, starting to close it, -"Bonne nuit, Kane-" 

"Wait!"- Kaneki yelled, reaching out. He then quickly put his arm away, hoping the man didn't notice his desperate gesture.

The light did help a bit, but Kaneki knew he couldn't possibly fall asleep on his own. Obviously, Tsukiyama did not understand. 

"Thank you for the light, but... Uh, I also cannot fall asleep when I'm alone."

Tsukiyama furrowed his eyebrows, -"Would you like me to stay with you until you fall asleep?"

 _Ugh._ Why was it so hard for him to understand? Not that Kaneki could blame him, he would probably have made all the same assumptions Tsukiyama had until now. He wasn't being direct, and not like Kaneki offered invitations to spend the night in his bed every day. The man's confusion was understandable. 

Still, Kaneki couldn't bring himself to just say it. 

"I... I r-really don't want to, uh, inconvenience you,"- he stuttered, and before Tsukiyama could answer, continued, -"I mean, I woke you up and all. It would be easier for you to go back to sleep right now."

"How can I possibly go to sleep knowing you are awake?"

"Well, I won't be awake if you were here, so..."- Kaneki only prayed Tsukiyama would get it soon. 

The Gourmet came closer and sat down on the bed, still puzzled, -"Kaneki-kun, I really don't understand what you are saying. You surely aren't suggesting that I sleep here, do you?"

He chuckled, but Kaneki didn't answer. In a moment, realization struck Tsukiyama and his eyes widened, -"W-wait, you are?"

"You can sleep here, if you want..."- Kaneki nodded shyly, patting on the bed. His heart was racing unnecessarily hard, hands became cold and sweaty. 

"Why, I- if th-this is what  _you_ want, mon cher, then I... Well, who am I to refuse?"- Tsukiyama said, completely serious and slightly bewildered. 

The man then walked out the room without another word, and Kaneki wondered where the hell was he going. Maybe he was disgusted. This was a very bad idea, and Kaneki already regretted not choosing the one where he stayed up the entire night. 

A moment later, Tsukiyama walked back in, changed into cotton pants and T-shirt. Pajamas, Kaneki realized. He then, uncertainly, walked over to the bed where Kaneki was half-sitting, half-lying. The Gourmet lingered for a moment, before finally sitting down and looking over to the boy.

"What is it?"- Kaneki asked, biting his lower lip.

"I just... Is this really okay with you?"

"Y-yeah. It's fine."

Tsukiyama then, after hesitating for another moment, lied down under the covers. Kaneki turned away, his face heated. It was really , really  _weird._

Both stayed quiet, and Kaneki couldn't sleep because of his hammering heart. He felt a shiver run down his spine, and shook his head, trying to calm down. he was just lying in the same bed as Tsukiyama. Just the  _same bed._

 _Imagine this is a sleepover,-_ he told himself,  _-Imagine you're with Hide. Nothing weird is happening, you're back in Japan, and you have to wake up early for school._

Just as he felt his convincing was working, Kaneki felt an arm encircle his waist. He nearly screamed from suddenness, but quickly realized it was only Tsukiyama.

Only... Tsukiyama...

_Wait, what?_

"I saw you shiver,"- he whispered, his breath hot on Kaneki's ear, -"Are you cold?"

 _No, definitely not._ He was hot all over, his insides were burning, but he couldn't help but shiver against Tsukiyama's touch. 

"A bit,"- he lied, immediately wondering why.

He felt Tsukiyama pull him a bit closer, his arm tightly holding his waist. He felt the man's heat around his body, his smell overpowering his senses. Tsukiyama smelled  _so good._

"Is this.. okay?"- the man purred against Kaneki's neck.  _Oh, god._

"Yeah. Thanks,"- he lied again. This was not okay, he was very warm, and blushing terribly.

He couldn't move, couldn't breath. Why was he allowing all this to happen? Why did it feel so _damn good_  to be wrapped up in Tsukiyama's arms?

Kaneki was certain he wouldn't be sleeping that night, but soon enough found himself drifting off. The peace, the light, the reassurance of Tsukiyama's presence, and the man's smell all gave him a sense of security. there he was, in France, lying in one bed with Tsukiyama hugging him, and he felt like he could spend his entire life like this.

 _Maybe... this isn't that weird after all,-_ Kaneki thought, finally drifting off into the blissful darkness.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so weird, you might even call it _queer_
> 
> *ba dum tss*
> 
> Also, this was a bit rushed, so sorry for whatever (⌒-⌒; )


	7. Gênant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to Cain because _Shuu-chan_

Kaneki woke up to the sounds of peaceful breathing by his side. Warm arms encircled his waist, making him feel cozy and protected. It looked like he barely moved at all while he was asleep, which was very unusual. During the night he would toss and turn and ended up in the weirdest positions in the morning, especially if he had nightmares. But tonight there were no nightmares, or any other kind of dreams, and Kaneki woke up with his back pressed against Tsukiyama’s chest, just the way they fell asleep.

He turned around to face the still sleeping Gourmet, never removing the man’s arm from his body. He looked over the man’s relaxed, serene expression and smiled. Head still clouded by the sleep, Kaneki reached his hand to Tsukiyama’s face and gently traced his jawline with the back of his finger. His skin was so smooth, just as Kaneki imagined. He then continued to trace the man’s thin, slightly parted lips with his thumb, then moved his hand to play with the silky purple hair.

He could definitely stay like this forever.

But then the moment was over as Kaneki slightly shifted, and with horror realized – he was hard. His erection brushed against Tsukiyama’s thigh, causing jolts of pleasure to rush through his body. _Fuck._ Kaneki immediately withdrew his hand and moved further away.

He was damn hard and in the same bed as Tsukiyama. The man’s hand was still around his waist, and he didn’t know whether he would wake up if he moved it. That would be one awkward confrontation – he was most likely blushing like a madman at this point. Tsukiyama’s hand then moved lower, and practically cupped Kaneki’s ass.

The half-ghoul inhaled sharply, but the man was soundly asleep. To hell with awkward confrontations, if he didn’t get out right this moment he was going to come then and there. Kaneki shifted away, slowly but surely, and finally managed to get out of Tsukiyama’s grip without waking him up. Immediately, he jumped off of the bed and all but ran to the door.

Unfortunately, luck was not on Kaneki’s side this day, as that said door opened with a terrifyingly loud squeak. And of course, Tsukiyama just had to wake up to the sound of that, and ask Kaneki whether everything was okay.

“Yeah, haha, just going to the bathroom, Tsukiyama-san,”- Kaneki said with an unnatural laugh, only slightly turning his head to face the man.

“Are you sure? You look awfully red.”

_Wow, Tsukiyama, you really are an idiot._

“Oh, really? Hm, well, it _has_ been really hot under your arm.”

“O-oh, desolé, Kaneki-kun.”

“It’s okay. Uh, you go back to sleep,”- with that, Kaneki slammed the door behind him, and as soon as he got to the bathroom locked himself in.

_Shit, that was awkward._

Kaneki only hoped Tsukiyama did not suspect a thing. He sighed heavily, looking at the tent in his boxers, the tip slightly stained with precum. He probably should take a shower.

• • • • •

One embarrassingly pleasuring shower later (filled with images of thin lips wrapped around his cock, fingers entangled in purple hair and words in French that bore no meaning), Kaneki walked out the bathroom door.

Unfortunately, Tsukiyama did not go back to sleep, which meant cuddle time was over. Fortunately, the man was busy preparing breakfast, which meant no awkward questions. Kaneki watched him skillfully perform in the kitchen, pretending to be interested in his cooking techniques. Tsukiyama happily explained what goes where, why it is important to get the temperature of the oven just right, how to bring out the piquant taste of the meat, but in all honesty Kaneki wasn’t listening one bit. He just liked watching the man do what he did best with a happy smile plastered on his face. Not that he would need to cook ever again anyway, Tsukiyama will be the one always doing it.

_Always..? For the rest of my life…?_

Kaneki had no idea how long he was going to live. He might be captured and killed by the CCG tomorrow, or he could live up to a hundred. But he realized that no matter how long he did live, he wanted the man, who now hummed a stupid song as he quickly cut the meat into perfect squares, to always be there. He wanted to wake up in his arms, and eat his amazing cooking, and listen to words in different languages being purred into his ear, and anything and everything to do with Tsukiyama – he wanted this to never end.

Kaneki blushed, remembering the images he had in the shower. And then he momentarily wondered whether there was a single possibility in this god forsaken world that they would ever become reality. 

Why was he thinking all this anyway,  Kaneki asked himself.

But it wasn’t like he didn’t know the answer - he was just terrified to accept it.

\-----

Tsukiyama kept stealing glances at Kaneki, and no matter how subtle they appeared to be, Kaneki practically suffocated under his heavy gaze.

They sat in the biggest bookstore in Paris, which Shuu insisted upon visiting – not that Kaneki objected, he was quite happy to go to a place with lots of books. It’s just that… well, he couldn’t really read any of them, except for the French-Japanese/Japanese-French dictionary he now held in his hands.

The bookstore had special places on the windowsills for people to sit at while they decided on which books to buy. The two men placed themselves on one of them, located on the top floor. The top floor, coincidentally, was just where all the dictionaries, travel guides and such were sold, so barely any people ever went to this section.

Shuu sat too close for comfort. There was so much space around them, but he sat right next to Kaneki, and it would have been unsettling if Kaneki wasn’t actually a bit happy about it. Tsukiyama read a French book about one thing or another (Kaneki was too busy focusing on the man’s behind to hear the summary of the story), and his eyes kept sliding sideways to stare at the boy for a few moments, before he returned back to his reading.

Kaneki’s own eyes never left the page he was on, but he still saw what Shuu was doing. Thank you, peripheral vision.

Upon coming in, they didn’t plan to stay long at first, but then Kaneki simply fell in love with the atmosphere of the place. He realized that he missed reading _so much_ that he would settle on just browsing through a dictionary. He assured the Gourmet that he would be more than pleased to learn a bit of French.

So now they sat on the top floor of this gorgeous old bookstore, all by themselves (not even the cashiers were there), Shuu glancing at Kaneki and Kaneki trying his hardest not to blush like an idiot.

Just then, he wondered when the hell did _Tsukiyama_ become _Shuu_ in his thoughts.  

It probably didn’t matter much. They knew each other for a long time, and the man probably wouldn’t object to the first name basis. But still, it seemed so very… _personal._ He didn’t call anyone by their first name - except for Hide, but he was Kaneki’s best friend and an exception to all rules. Could he possibly start calling Tsukiyama by his first name, just like that?

“Shuu…”- Kaneki tasted the name on his tongue, momentarily forgetting about where he was or who he was with.

Tsukiyama raised his head, looking around for whoever might’ve called him, and then his eyes finally settled on Kaneki, a confused expression on his face. Kaneki, in turn, looked horrified as he realized he actually said it out loud.  

 _It’s okay, act natural, nothing weird just happened, -_ he told himself, trying to keep it together. This trip is probably going to drive him insane.

“C-can you, uh, help me read this word?”- he asked, pointing at the first thing in the dictionary.

Tsukiyama looked at the word, and his expression became even more confused.

“Amour, Kaneki-kun?”- he asked uncertainly,

Kaneki quickly glanced and – _oh boy-_ he was certainly pointing directly at that word. He just somehow happened to end up being on letter A of the French to Japanese section, and somehow managed to point at that one word out of every other one of them.

He thought about moving his finger a word lower or higher to make it seem less embarrassing, but the one above ‘amour’ meant ‘absorption’ (which was a weird thing to wonder how to pronounce) and the one below it meant ‘in love’ (which was even worse).

So, regretting every decision in his life up to this point, Kaneki sighed, -“Yeah. You say that a lot, but I forgot how to pronounce it.”

Tsukiyama smiled, but still seemed weirded out by the boy’s question.

“So um, a-amuru, huh?”- he said, clearly hearing his own accent.

“Très bien, Kaneki-kun,” - Tsukiyama beamed.  

“Turebien,”- Kaneki repeated, -“Mon amuru.”

The Gourmet’s eyes widened for a split second, before he gently asked, -“Do you remember what that means?”

“Yeah, I-I do,”- Kaneki couldn’t stop the blush that was creeping up his cheeks. First he called Tsukiyama by his first name, then ‘my love’. What next?

The man suddenly shifted closer to Kaneki - _much too close –_ and leaned over the boy,

“How about I teach you some other words then, mm-”- his voice was just above a whisper, -”-mon amour?”

_Oh god._

Why was his voice so appealing. Why was his voice so appealing _in French._ Kaneki was sure that Tsukiyama could whisper a fucking recipe for a tomato soup at this point, and he’d be hard in a second.

“Say ‘mon chéri’,”- the man told him, slowly pulling the dictionary out of the boy’s hands.

“M-mon shuri?”- Kaneki mumbled, hypnotized by Shuu’s gaze, -“What does it…?”

“My darling,”- Tsukiyama said with a smile. His eyes darted to Kaneki’s lips, and then back up to his eyes. He was so close, face inches away.

Kaneki swallowed hard. He felt his hand twitch and move closer to Tsukiyama’s, so now they were nearly touching. He unconsciously licked his lips, still moving closer.

“My darling…”- Kaneki repeated, mind thoroughly blank, heart racing rapidly, -“Shuu…”

He saw a blush appear on the face of the man that was _so close_ but still not _close enough._ He then wondered who would it be to lean in first. Everything stood still for this one moment.    

“Uh, désolé, garçons!”- and just like that, it was over.

Both men quickly turned to the source of the voice, which belonged to a man in his late thirties. He awkwardly shifted form one leg to the other, and then asked something in French.

Tsukiyama sighed, and with an annoyed expression and an “I’ll be right back, Kaneki-kun” walked over to the man. They disappeared behind some bookshelves, and for a while the only thing Kaneki heard was some mumbled French nonsense.

All this time he sat there wondering if he was about to kiss Tsukiyama. Was he really, truly, about to lean in and close the distance between them and-

He felt really weird. On the one hand, what happened was really terrifying. On the other, it was absolutely breathtaking.

And he didn’t even touch the man’s lips.

His stomach felt weird, tied in knots, ticklish. So that’s what butterflies felt like. _Ugh_.

Tsukiyama returned soon, and the man went downstairs with a book in his hand. The former sat back down beside Kaneki, a bit further away this time, the boy noted with disappointment.

“What did he want?”

“Just asked where did we get that dictionary,”- Tsukiyama cocked his head in the direction of the disregarded book, -“Said he was learning Japanese and heard us speaking.”

“Wait, just how long was he here for?”- Kaneki got incredibly embarrassed at the idea that there was this man just standing there all this time as he was about to kiss-

_Dammit._

“O-oh, well, I-I don’t really know, I mean, uh- y-yeah,”- Tsukiyama stuttered out and looked away.

This was suspicious. Kaneki looked at him intently before the man finally turned back around and, with a sigh, admitted, -“He said he was really sorry for walking in on – gah, me and my, uh, b-boyfriend.”

Tsukiyama blushed redder than Kaneki has ever seen him before. He was rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding the half-ghoul’s eyes at all costs, and the latter felt his cheeks burn up.

“Uh, let’s go somewhere… else,”- Kaneki finally suggested after a minute of terribly awkward silence. Shuu nearly jumped up, ready more than ever to leave.

They didn’t bother picking up the books they started, both certain that no reading will be done in a long time from now.


	8. Baiser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **IMPORTANT**
> 
>  
> 
> Listen to [THIS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Lq_0P39iLg) while reading up until the break
> 
> just trust me

Kaneki stood at the very top, overlooking the entire city that seemed to stretch out for miles and miles, never-ending lights glowing far away in the distance. He couldn’t see people from this height, but he knew they were down there. Harsh wind blew in his face, causing tears to escape from his eyes, and once again he felt blessed to be able to feel the wet droplets streak his cheeks. At this very moment, life seemed perfect. 

Everything leading up to this moment was wonderful. The walk around the evening Paris, the Louvre, the Japanese lady that they met who told them they were a cute couple… He was embarrassed at the time, but now he knew he wouldn’t change a single thing that led up to this moment.

Not even the unbearable pain he had to suffer through. Because if it wasn’t for the pain, if it wasn’t for the darkness, he would have never even arrived here.

His thoughts drifted back to the man that made it possible. The man who always called himself his friend. The man that didn’t back down after rejection. The man that sacrificed everything for Kaneki’s sake.

He shivered, and not because of the chilling wind, but because he thought of the possibility that none of this became a reality. He would have never found out how happy he could be…

How happy he could be with the man standing next to him on the very top of the Eiffel Tower.

It was way too late – no one was allowed up there. But the man made it possible. He would reverse the flow of time if Kaneki wished so.

He now stood a couple of steps behind Kaneki, seemingly for the first time respecting his personal space when Kaneki didn’t want him too. A gush of harsh wind nearly blew the boy off his feet, and he stumbled backwards.

Of course, the man was there to catch him. He would always be there to catch him when he fell. His most trustworthy ally. His loyal servant. His friend. His light in the darkness.

Kaneki turned to face him, now firmly standing on his feet. He didn’t say a word, just looked into the man’s eyes, which glistened with devotion.

And maybe, just maybe, something else…

He didn’t want to look at the lights of the city anymore, as the light in the man’s eyes was enough to guide him through the dark. He completely turned his back on the brightness of Paris. France was beautiful – but this man was so much more.

He now knew for sure that something has changed. His heart still hammered in his chest, but he didn’t want it to stop. He didn’t bother to hide the blush the man caused. He didn’t find it necessary to explain his words or actions anymore.

It didn’t matter. In the end, nothing of it would matter. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. _This was bound to happen, wasn’t it..?_

Maybe one would call it destiny, or maybe fate. Maybe Kaneki brought it upon himself, or maybe it was because of this very man that this all had happened.

But finally, Kaneki realized he was perfectly happy, just standing here with the man.

The man he loved.

“Shuu,”- he took a careful step forward. Wind blew hair in his face, hitting his cheeks. Kaneki swallowed hard, knowing he finally accepted it. He gave Tsukiyama Shuu permission to completely drive him insane.

He was mesmerized by the man, who seemed to always light up for the most ridiculous of reasons, just the way he did now hearing the sound of his first name being spoken by the boy. He smiled widely, his face completely open thanks to the strong wind pushing his hair back.

The man closed the distanced between them, gently whispering in Kaneki’s ear, -“We should go, mon amour. You might catch a cold.”

Ever so worried. And those damn words… Did he really mean it when he called him ‘my love’?

Somehow, Kaneki felt now was the perfect moment to ask that question. The one left without an answer all this time.

“Shuu,”- he stood on his tiptoes to reach the man’s ear. It was hard to talk over the gushing wind, -“Who am I?”

The man only looked at him, confused. _Just like always, huh…_

“Who am I… to you?”- Kaneki tried again, never breaking eye contact with the man, who now bit his lower lip.

“To me, Kaneki-kun?”- he asked, gently cupping Kaneki’s face with one hand.

He was silent, and Kaneki was too. They were so close again, but somehow the moment seemed different, knowing no one will interrupt them this time.

Shuu leaned down, pressing his cheek against Kaneki’s, and inhaled deeply.

“You are very special to me, Kaneki-kun. You are the most precious person in my life,”- he wasn’t lying. There was no point. Shuu straightened up, and looked Kaneki in the eyes. His expression seemed distant, a bit sad. He moved his thumb and gently traced the boy’s eyebrow. He looked as though he couldn’t believe any of this was real.

“ _Je suis_ _complètement fou de toi._ ”

Kaneki barely caught that. The whisper was carried away by the wind as soon as it left the man’s mouth, and it wasn’t something Kaneki could translate. But it was okay. He understood. He felt the same way, after all.

Shuu closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. Now was his chance.

Kaneki placed both his hands on the man’s shoulders and stood on the tips of his toes, reaching up and closing his eyes. His lips ghosted over Shuu’s for a brief moment, before they finally touched.

Delicately so, very slowly and gently, Kaneki pressed on, feeling the other man tense up. He pulled away the very next second, half-opening his eyes to find Shuu blushing and staring at Kaneki.

He was so surprised… He really had no clue, did he…

Kaneki reached up again, this time pressing their lips with more assertion. Shuu, after another second of bewilderment, kissed back. Kaneki felt an arm snake around his waist, and another entangle into his hair.

He sighed contently into the slow kiss, wrapping his own arms around the man’s neck. Shuu was wonderful. He made Kaneki feel warm and... at home. 

The man’s tongue traced Kaneki’s bottom lip, and the boy happily opened his mouth, inviting him in. The kiss turned wet and sloppy fast, and a thought that it was his _first kiss_ lingered in the back of Kaneki’s head. Could it possibly be Tsukiyama’s first too…?

No, it was too improbable. But he felt as though he had no idea what he was doing, and Shuu didn’t really guide him at all. Despite it being a mess, Kaneki was sure it was the best first kiss in the entire world.

Shuu pulled back, and Kaneki was surprised for a moment, but then he felt the man’s hot kisses trail his check, then his jaw and neck.

“H-Hey, I’m ticklish-”- the boy slightly pushed him back, squirming.

Shuu looked up into Kaneki’s eyes. They just looked at each other for a few moments, before both bursting out laughing.

“I love you so much,”- Kaneki said, immediately clasping a hand over his mouth. Shuu simply looked at him in wonder, seemingly no longer surprised or confused by anything Kaneki did or said.

Kaneki slowly removed his hand, and felt liberated. _He finally said it._

“I finally said it,”- he went on to spit out any thought that came to his mind, -“Shuu, you won’t believe how hard it’s been denying this to myself, but now that I finally said it, I feel so free. I love you, and I can’t imagine that my life can possibly be full without you because I-”

“I love you too, Ken,”- Tsukiyama whispered against the boy’s cheek, deeply inhaling his scent, -“Is it alright if I call you Ken…?”

“Y-yeah,”- Kaneki stammered out. It was only fair that Shuu called him that, after all. His heart was about to burst out of his chest.

“Let’s go home,”- the man offered, and Kaneki happily obliged.

_Home… It didn’t matter whether it was France or Japan, Paris or Tokyo, a tiny apartment or a gigantic mansion._

_Home was wherever Shuu was._

• • • • •

By the time they got home, it was pouring.

It was drizzling ever so lightly when they got down from the tower. Shuu wanted to take a cab (“You’ll catch a cold, mon cher.”) but Kaneki insisted that they walk (“I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”). And how could Shuu refuse when the boy shyly grabbed his hand, blushing like a high school freshman on their first date?

Kaneki wanted to take a walk if only because he was still thinking – thinking about Tsukiyama. The man was right there, right beside him, but he still never left Kaneki’s head. Images of the man playing with Hinami in their new home filled his head. They could be a family. Hell, they could adopt another kid! A boy, Kaneki thought, smiling. He became a sap, but he knew this side of him would never be revealed to anyone other than the man he firmly held by the hand.

By the time they got home, it was pouring,

“Mon chèri, walking was a terrible idea,”- Tsukiyama told him, taking off his drenched jacket.

“It’s just a little rain, get ov-ah-ah-”- Kaneki started, but got interrupted by a terribly loud sneeze.

Shuu jumped to the ceiling at the sound, and then nearly fell over laughing at himself. Kaneki promptly joined in, and soon enough the man’s lips were on his own, warm and still wet from the rain.

“You really will get sick, Ken,”- Tsukiyama said, pulling back Kaneki’s hair, -“You’re really cold.”

“ _Warm me up, then_.”

The Gourmet cocked his head to the side. Kaneki never failed to notice how beautiful he was. And now that he was completely drenched, he was also hot as hell.

“I know just the thing that might work…”

Of course, Kaneki knew that by _the thing_ Tsukiyama wouldn’t mean a big warm cuddle under a blanket. He also didn’t mean that when he told the man to warm him up. The built up sexual frustration made him impatient, and he could practically rip off Shuu’s clothes right then and there, but he did have the decency not to. There was also the fear of the unknown – it would be Kaneki’s first time after all. Not that he didn’t know how things worked. He wasn’t an idiot, and he most definitely knew the male anatomy. Still, he was scared, nervous, and very much aroused.

So no, he didn’t mean anything innocent when he asked Shuu to warm him up.

But neither did he mean taking a bath in a _fucking jacuzzi._

While Kaneki dried himself, Tsukiyama disappeared into the bathroom and after a while called him over. The air was hot and blurry, steam covered the mirrors and tiles in the room, and the tub in the corner was already nearly overflowing with warm water.

“Voila!”- Shuu said, gesturing over to the tub with his hand, -“What do you think, mon amour?”

The half-ghoul didn’t answer. Mostly because Tsukiyama didn’t give him the chance to, as he kissed Kaneki slow and deep. Kaneki suddenly felt a fresh new wave of arousal jolt through him, followed by an intense wave of fear.  He never would have pictured his first time would be so… well, unique.

“You get in, I will be right back,”- Shuu told him and disappeared behind the door.

Kaneki panicked. Tsukiyama seemed so calm and collected, as though he’d done it multiple times. Maybe he had? Maybe he had so many partners before things like this didn’t bother him?

But that seemed so unlike the Gourmet.

Maybe it was because this wasn’t going to be their first time…?

Yeah, that must’ve been it. Shuu wasn’t planning it all along. Kaneki felt very relieved, though very disappointed. But that thought gave him enough courage to strip and enter the bath.

The water burned his cold body, making it hard to sit down at first, but it felt nice and relaxing once he got used to it. He never took baths with Tsukiyama before, but it was common practice in Japan. Nothing to make a big deal out of. So why the hell was his heart hammering so hard, dammit?

Oh, right, they kissed. They weren’t _just_ whatever it was they were before, now they were something _bigger._ He still had no clue what to call their relationship.

Wouldn’t that mean he had to feel less awkward about it? Or more awkward?

God, this was so confusing.  

And just where the hell was Shuu? Kaneki was about to call out, when the man suddenly entered the room. Naked. Nothing but a towel around his hips.

He placed the change of clothes he was carrying on one of the countertops and pushed his hair back, giving Kaneki a brilliant smile – “Sorry I took so long.”

Kaneki swallowed hard. If Tsukiyama kept going like this and they weren’t going to do _it_ , he might lose all shame and just start jerking off. The thought of Tsukiyama watching him masturbate in the tub made his cock twitch. _Dammit._

He already lost all shame.

Kaneki saw Tsukiyama’s hands move to untie the towel, and immediately turned away. He just… wasn’t ready yet.

He heard the man enter the jacuzzi, and then heard him tinker with some buttons, but refused to look back. Only a sudden blow of water to his back forced him to turn around, as he jumped to Tsukiyama’s side.

“Wh-what was that!?”- he yelled over the gurgling noise.

Tsukiyama laughed in response. His cheeks were red, but Kaneki couldn’t tell whether it was because of the heat or because _they were naked together in a bathtub._ That was now, as a matter of fact, seething and bubbling.

“This is what jacuzzis do, Ken,”- Tsukiyama barely explained, -“I’m guessing you never been in one before?”

Shuu knew perfectly well he hadn’t, so Kaneki didn’t bother answering. Instead, he realized that he was now sitting not a foot away from the man.

It was surreal. The steam and the knot in his stomach made him drowsy, and he was still half-hard.

“Who are we?”- Kaneki asked, turning to face Shuu.

“Soulmates, mon amour,”- the man answered without a fault.

Kaneki just stared. This was definitely not the answer he was hoping for.

  _Idiot. Why did I fall in love with such an idiot._

“Riiiiight… But I meant something more concrete?”- Shuu really wasn’t getting it, and Kaneki fought the urge to slap him, -“Like, how do I introduce you to people?”

“Introduce… me? Ken, are you planning to tell people about this!?”- Tsukiyama got bouncy, obviously excited.

Kaneki, on the other hand, wasn’t just as happy. Telling people…? Could he really tell someone he kissed Tsukiyama?

“Uh, I don’t know if it’s such a great idea.”

“Why not, mon cher? The Little Lady would be pleased.”

“Hinami-chan?”- he thought about it for a moment. She really liked Tsukiyama, so yeah, she would be, -“I guess. But Touka-chan on the other hand…”

“I’m certain Kirishima-san and Nishiki-san will kill me on the spot,”- Shuu laughed. They had somehow moved closer together, and Kaneki had to force himself not to shift back -“I’m certain Banjoi-san would also be less than happy to hear I seduced the infamous Eye-Patched Ghoul.”

“It’s Banjou,”- Kaneki remarked, -“And I’m not _that_ infamous. And hey, what the hell do you mean ‘seduced’? We kissed, like, three times.”

Tsukiyama laughed his beautiful, full laugh, and pressed his lips gently to Kaneki’s. Their mouths moved together, slowly, desperately. They both waited for this for a long time.

“Four times,”- Kaneki whispered, dazed.

His hands moved up and down Tsukiyama’s chest, feeling the muscles in wonder. Kaneki was getting hard fast, and only hoped he was too.

“U-uh,”- Tsukiyama stuttered, visibly squirming under Kaneki’s touch. He averted his eyes and inhaled deeply, -“So you, u-uh- Um. Top or bottom?”

Kaneki froze up on the place, snapping out of his stupor.

“Wh-what!?”- he asked, this time actually feeling a bit dizzy from the blush that he was sure covered his face.

Tsukiyama was red from the shoulders up to the ears, and Kaneki would have found it adorable, if only he wasn’t so utterly confused by the man’s question.

“W-which do you, u-uh, p-prefer? Top? B-bottom?” 

No, he didn’t mishear him the first time. Tsukiyama actually asked whether he wanted to top or bottom. But that meant Shuu was actually planning to do it all along! They actually were going to have sex tonight! That thought excited and terrified Kaneki, and he couldn’t wait to get started developing it, but first-

“What the hell are you asking, idiot!?”- the boy slapped Tsukiyama across the face. He was meaning to do it all day, having the man embarrass him here and there, and now felt much better.

Shuu rubbed his cheek, turning to face Kaneki, but still refused to look him in the eye, -“S-sorry, I just- Mon cher, you must understand this is my first time, and I-”

“First… time?”- That surprised Kaneki. Surely it couldn’t have been… right?

“O-oui. I’ve never really been in a relationship, mon amour.”

That was even more surprising. Tsukiyama seemed like such a ladies’ man. He was so good at flirting and giving compliments, Kaneki would have never realized the man could still be a virgin.

“Don’t look so surprised, Ken,”- he said noticing Kaneki’s expression, -“After all, who would want to date me?”

Tsukiyama said it lightly, as if just throwing the facts out there, but it somehow made Kaneki feel uncomfortable. The man was so gorgeous, polite, considerate, and at times even funny. Was he really unaware of his own beauty?

Kaneki gently kissed Shuu’s still slightly red cheek, -“I would want to date you.”

Tsukiyama didn’t reply. One of his hands traveled to cup Kaneki’s face, as the other encircled around the boy’s waist. He crashed their lips, bringing their bodies together.

Kaneki placed his own hands back on Shuu’s shoulders. His nails dug into the man’s skin as he felt his hand move up and down his back. Tsukiyama’s erection grazed Kaneki’s, and he knew the man wanted him just as bad. His mind went blank, no terrifying thoughts, no setbacks. Just pure lust enveloped him, and his body worked on instinct.

Their kiss deepened, and Kaneki’s hands now tugged at Tsukiyama’s hair. He opened up his legs, wrapping them around Tsukiyama’s waist, which resulted in a low moan from the other man. Tsukiyama moved his hands to Kaneki’s thighs, holding him up firmly.

He felt the man’s cock grind against his own, and had to break the kiss to breathe out loudly. Shuu’s mouth went lower, kissing his jaw, then his neck, sucking at a spot, then moving again. Kaneki had to arch back, feeling the man’s tongue lick him all over, play with his nipples until they were hard, then move lower and lower, and then back up.

“Sh-Shuu, a-ah-”- Kaneki moaned out, sharply tugging at the man’s hair and bringing their lips back together. Tsukiyama now rocked his hips, causing even more friction between their cocks. Kaneki wrapped a hand around his own, moving it up and down quickly, desperately. Tsukiyama pulled back, momentarily mesmerized by the boy’s movements.

This was what Kaneki wanted, wasn’t it? Shuu watching him jack off. And it felt better than he imagined.

Tsukiyama then pulled Kaneki’s hand back, and replaced it with his own, slowly wrapping up his long fingers around Kaneki’s throbbing erection. Kaneki’s breath hitched, voice quivered as he moaned Tsukiyama’s name.

The man’s hand was moving agonizingly slow, and soon Kaneki felt that he couldn’t take it any longer. Tsukiyama’s scent filled his senses, clouded his mind. He leaned forward and gently nipped at his neck, tasting Tsukiyama’s skin.

He remembered it… that very same peculiar flavor he woke up tasting in his mouth on his first conscious day in France... He felt his chest tighten. _Shuu…_

When he pulled back, Tsukiyama had already removed his hand, and there was a large bruise on his neck. The man breathed heavily, continuing to rock his hips against Kaneki’s, his hands travelling up and down the boy’s sides. Kaneki kissed the man, pushing his tongue into the other’s mouth.

The pulsating water around them made it hard to move properly, the steamy air made it hard to breath, they were messy and sloppy, and now when Kaneki pulled back there was a trail of saliva between their lips. But somehow Kaneki knew he would never have it any other way.

Tsukiyama reached to the shelf above the tub, which had a variety of different bottles standing on top of it. Kaneki immediately knew what the man was reaching for, and inhaled sharply. _They were really going to do it now._

“K-Ken…”- Tsukiyama began, barely managing to talk. His pupils were dilated, cheeks flushed, hair a total mess, lips swollen, and a gigantic bruise (which _still_ hasn’t been restored by the RC cells) resided on his neck. Kaneki wanted this man _so bad._

He wanted to read books with him, drink coffee, go to museums, travel the world, build a family, live with him, be with him.

Must most of all, Kaneki wanted that man to be inside him.

“I-I’ll do it,”- Kaneki breathed out, also finding it hard to build a coherent sentence, -“I’ll bottom.”

Tsukiyama kissed the boy on the mouth, gently and slowly, then poured lube onto his fingers, smearing it all over his hand. Kaneki looked at him, questioning, but Tsukiyama only managed a breath of a laugh.

He held Kaneki up by his thigh with one hand, and with the other slowly pressed on his entrance. Kaneki inhaled sharply. _Shit._

“Shit,”- he breathed out, feeling Tsukiyama’s finger enter. _Gah, it burns._

The man didn’t say anything, only continued to move his finger inside Kaneki, pressing quick kisses to the boy’s mouth and cheeks. Kaneki squirmed uncomfortably, but soon got used to the weird sensation inside him. He felt Tsukiyama add in a second finger, and had to squeeze his eyes shut because the burning feeling.

“I-is this…. Okay?”- Tsukiyama mumbled against his ear, and Kaneki nodded.

He’d get used to it, eventually. As Shuu moved his fingers around, Kaneki wanted to do something to please him as well. Uncertain, he grabbed the man’s cock, and gave it a quick pump, receiving a low groan from the other man.

Just then, Tsukiyama added a third finer, and Kaneki felt he was about to explode. It was terribly uncomfortable, yet so _damn arousing._ He kept moving his hand around Tsukiyama’s cock, teasing the head with his thumb. With each his movements, Shuu’s moans got only louder, and he finally silenced him with a wet kiss.

“I think I’m- I’m ready,”- Kaneki finally breathed out, fully accustomed to the sensation. The warm water made his muscles relax, if only a bit, but it still helped. Tsukiyama bit his lower lip, and reached back again to retrieve the bottle of lube.

“Ken…”- Shuu whispered, smearing the substance around his cock, -“We can- Ah, we can stop any time, i-if you wish so.”

He definitely didn’t. Stopping was the last thing on his mind, and he told Tsukiyama about it by giving him a peck on the lips, -“Go ahead.”

Shuu placed his erection at Kaneki’s entrance, his hands at Kaneki’ sides, and glanced at the boy one last time. Kaneki nodded, grabbing the man’s shoulder, and the latter slowly entered.

“ _Fuck,_ ”- Kaneki breathed out. Tsukiyama was definitely much larger than his fingers, and definitely much longer. The burning sensation blinded him for a moment, before he was finally able to regain his composure. Shuu didn’t move. He watched Kaneki, apparently worried about hurting him, -“You can move.”

Kaneki expected the man to pull out, but he continued to move forward. He obviously underestimated his size, and Kaneki’s nails dug deep into Tsukiyama’s shoulders. _Shit. Fuck. Ahh._

Tsukiyama wasn’t moving. He cupped Kaneki’s face and gave him a deep kiss.

“Y-you’re so _fucking tight,_ K-Ken,”- he whispered, slightly lifting his hips and shifting his angle, -“I might just c-come now.”

Kaneki then felt Tsukiyama just barely graze something inside of him that caused jolts of pleasure to run through his body, -“D-do it again. Ah, just fucking move.”

Tsukiyama did as he was told, and Kaneki saw stars. The burning now felt good, and he tugged on Tsukiyama’s hair hard, crashing their mouths in a desperate, long kiss.

“Now fucking move,”- he commanded, feeling on the edge already.

“Oui, mon amour.”

 _Ah, fuck._ Tsukiyama now spoke French, and moved back, panting heavily. Kaneki arched his back, feeling himself nearing his limit.

He gasped and moaned and felt like he was going to faint, and every time Tsukiyama reached that one particular spot he screamed out Shuu’s name. They became a mess of entangled limbs, Tsukiyama hands massaging Kaneki’s thighs and sides, Kaneki’s tugging on the man’s hair and digging his nails into his shoulder and neck.

Tsukiyama rocked his hips in rhythm with Kaneki’s, managing to breathe out “ _J’adore_ ” every now and then, while Kaneki could only moan and pant.

“Sh-Shuu, f-fuck-”- he groaned, biting into the man’s shoulder. He was so close.

Tsukiyama grabbed his cock, and gave it a few quick pumps, before Kaneki came with a cry into the man’s hand. Orgasm blinded him for a long moment, as he continued to feel Tsukiyama moving inside of him, before he too, reached his limit. Kaneki felt the man spill inside of him, screaming his name out in the process.

For a few seconds, they sat there, leaning against each other, panting heavily. Shuu then slowly pulled out, leaving Kaneki feeling strangely empty. And here he got used to the feeling.

The next thing he knew were lips pressed against his own, and two strong arms embracing his body.

“Je t’adore, Ken,”- Shuu whispered, leaning his forehead against Kaneki’s, -“I simply adore you.”

Kaneki inhaled deeply. His entire body was still shaking, and he felt drained, but he wouldn’t want to feel any other way right now. He wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world.

“I love you,”- he whispered back, kissing the man’s lips, -“So much.”

Kaneki turned around, placing himself between Tsukiyama’s legs, and leaning back on the man’s chest. Shuu put his head on Kaneki’s shoulder, sighing contently. They sat in silence for a long while, still coming down from their high. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you…”- Kaneki finally talked, slightly turning to face Shuu, -“How come you knew exactly what to do? I mean, I guess it’s pretty natural, but with the fingers and all…”

Somehow, even after they’ve done it, it was still terribly embarrassing to say these things. Apparently, for Tsukiyama as well, as he lifted his head off of Kaneki’s shoulder, blushing and stuttering.

“A-ah, well, y-you see, mon amour, I… Um. This is going to sound weird but… When I went out earlier, I may have just researched an article on the Internet…?”

Kaneki quickly turned around to face the man, a bewildered look on his face, -“Really?”

“Y-yeah… Uh, haha, it actually said there that you have to explicitly ask your partner whether they prefer t-top or bottom, so… Yeah…”

Kaneki’s expression went from puzzled, to amused, to full on laughing as Tsukiyama blushed harder. _Idiot._

“I can’t believe you actually researched.”

“W-well I was nervous! I had no idea what to do!”

“And here I thought you were an experienced womanizer,”- Kaneki chuckled, and kissed Tsukiyama. Their lips moved together in unison, and Kaneki thought that this was where he belonged.

“Good thing I did it though, right, mon amour?”- Shuu said, breaking the kiss, -“Now your behind would hurt only slightly less tomorro-”

Kaneki didn’t let the man finish his sentence, turning around and pushing Tsukiyama down under the water. The man reemerged seconds later, gasping for air and swearing in French, and splashed water at the boy who tried to drown him. Kaneki returned the gesture with a splash of his own, and so on and so forth, until the two men were standing next to each other, kissing once again.

“Idiot,”- Kaneki said as the man groped his ass, smirking.

“Your idiot, mon cher,”- Tsukiyama replied, giving the boy a peck on the cheek.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally... the smut!  
> I think I'm getting better at it? idk  
> also I didn't revise this chapter because I posted it so late  
> so don't hesitate to tell me if there are any mistakes!


	9. Mots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back.... back again... 
> 
> I haven't felt this inspired in a LONG while, but i'm glad i can finally return to writing this. i will try to post regularly again. 
> 
> well this is a tiny little update but there _will_ be more to come, I promise.

Kaneki sat on the big, comfy bed with his back pressed against the chest of the man he now wasn't afraid to say he loved. He was tired, his eyelids heavy, and his lower back hurt _like hell_. But he couldn't' fall asleep just yet. 

 

He still had butterflies in his stomach from all the excitement of the day, and every tiny movement from the man behind him made them flutter even more. Kaneki slowly blinked, tracing the Eiffel Tower and bright lights of Paris with his sleepy eyes. 

 

He sighed in perfect content, thinking that the world never looked as gorgeous as it did right at that moment. 

 

Just then, Tsukiyama nuzzled his nose in Kaneki's hair, deeply breathing in. He wrapped his arms tighter around the smaller man's waist, pressing a gentle kiss to his temple. 

 

"Ken.... You make me..."- Tsukiyama whispered, lips just barely grazing Kaneki's ear, -"You make me the happiest I could ever be..." 

 

Kaneki shivered at the touch, and felt Tsukiyama's lips move to kiss his jaw, his cheek, his neck. Tsukiyama kept whispering "Merci beacoup" in between the kisses, and Kaneki couldn't help releasing a sweet moan.

 

There was nothing sexual in it, though. 

 

Kaneki turned around and caught Tsukiyama's lips with his own, sliding his tongue inside the man's mouth. They kissed slowly and tentatively, teeth grazing over tongues, tasting every inch of each other's mouth. 

 

No, it wasn't sexual. They were done with that.

 

 

It was simply a reunion of two soul's, hungry for each other's presence after an eternity of separation. Two people expressing their love and need for each other in the only way people know how to.

 

Ghouls and humans don't differ much in this aspect.

 

Kaneki pulled back, staring deep into Tsukiyama's gorgeous velvet eyes. His pupils dilated so much the iris was almost invisible, and Kaneki was certain his own were just as big.

 

"How long... have you loved me?"- Kaneki managed to breathe out against the man's lips. His words quivered, voice was still hoarse. 

 

Tsukiyama licked his lips, swallowing hard. Either the voice, or maybe the question, made him bite his lower lip and close his eyes. He didn't say anything for a moment and Kaneki couldn't help but think again how absolutely stunning the man looked. 

 

How lucky Kaneki was to have him. 

 

"Longer than I remember myself, mon amour. I feel like I was born in love with you." 

 

Kaneki let out a raspy, but genuine laugh. Tsukiyama never failed to make him laugh. 

 

"Stop trying to be poetic. I really want to know." 

 

Tsukiyama pondered that for another moment. His brought his hand up to touch Kaneki's face, his thumb gently tracing the half-ghoul's cheekbone. 

 

"I think... In all honesty, I think I was in love with you all along. From the very moment I met you..." 

 

Kaneki furrowed his eyebrows, tilting his head slightly, -"I'm not an expert in romance or anything, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have tried to eat me if you were in love wi-"

 

Seeing Tsukiyama wince at the "eat me" in that sentence, Kaneki immediately closed his mouth. Not a good thing to remind him of, huh. 

 

But Kaneki long forgave him for that. Tsukiyama certainly more than proved his loyalty, and now Kaneki was indebted to him. Probably for the rest of his life.

 

 

Not that he minded. 

 

"Well, mon chére, I wasn't exactly the type to... uh... fall in love... I don't know what love feels like. Or, I thought I didn't know, I guess... It's a weird feeling after all, and you make my stomach feel... w-weird..."- Tsukiyama tried to express himself, and ultimately failed. 

 

He immediately got flustered at his own in-eloquence, cheeks flushing red. Kaneki found it incredibly adorable, for a lack of a better word. Tsukiyama has been adorable lately, since his actions were no longer a facade. 

 

And the real Shuu was even a bigger nerd than Kaneki was, and he adored every second of it. 

 

"What I mean to say is... That I... I thought the, uh, butterflies in my stomach were just me being... hungry.... so I tried... to... eat... you...."

 

Tsukiyama then got a very confused expression on his face, as though he himself was just realizing all of this, and Kaneki couldn't help but burst out laughing once again. 

 

"You're an idiot,"- he said, gently kissing Tsukiyama's nose.

 

"Your idiot,"- Tsukiyama answered, still blushing profusely.

 

Kaneki threw his arms around Tsukiyama's neck, and put his head on the man's shoulder, inhaling deeply. He smelled  _incredible._.. How come he didn't realize how amazing Tsukiyama was until now... 

 

"But I think I realized that I really, truly love you only when I heard you were going to fight in the Anteiku raid. I knew I couldn't lose you - I knew I couldn't let you leave. God, it hit me like a tank... I realized that I loved you so much..."

 

Kaneki hummed in content and closed his eyes, remembering the scene. It was pretty ugly, but in the end that was also the moment he realized that Tsukiyama did truly care for him after all... if only he wasn't so damn set on rescuing Anteiku.... Not that he would ever regret it. After all, that is why they're here now. 

 

And that's what matters. 

 

"Your turn, Ken." 

 

"Wha-?" 

 

"Your turn to tell when you realized you liked me." 

 

Kaneki opened his eyes, clearly hearing the smirk in Tsukiyama's voice. He still smiled though, despite feeling embarrassed. _That smug bastard..._

 

"W-well..."- He started, nuzzling into Shuu's shoulder, cheeks getting red, -"I, uh... The moment you walked into Anteiku for the very first time I thought you looked like a model..."

 

Kaneki felt Tsukiyama slightly turn his head at that, but no other reaction followed. 

 

"A-and when you came to visit me at Kamii I, uh, got quite flustered and... I started liking you a lot, okay?" 

 

Tsukiyama slowly nodded, still not saying anything. They both knew what happened right after that, so Kaneki carefully avoided mentioning it. 

 

"I guess I had my thoughts elsewhere when I formed the group and during the Anteiku raid so... I only realized I was in love with you on the Eiffel Tower. Or rather, I fully accepted it just then." 

 

"Is that so..."

 

Kaneki heard Tsukiyama quietly chuckle, and felt the arms around his waist tighten. He smiled in response and kissed the back of Tsukiyama's neck. 

 

"I'm exhausted. Let's sleep,"- He said, climbing off of Tsukiyama's lap. 

 

Shuu silently obliged, getting under the covers with the other man. Kaneki immediately pressed his back against his chest, and Shuu threw his arm around Kaneki's waist.

 

This was the way it was going to be now. And that was perfectly fine.

 

Kaneki was already drifting off into a happy dream when he suddenly felt Tsukiyama move his lips closer to his ear. 

 

"Yesterday, when we slept together for the first time... I thought I saw... Ken, did you really have a boner?"

 

Kaneki threw his eyes open and stared into the darkness for a moment. And then he rapidly fled across the bed from the now laughing man behind him. 

 

"Wh-wh-wh-wh-where did that come from!?"- he screamed and stuttered, voice in a pitch higher than Kaneki thought he could reach. He was practically falling off the bed, clutching onto a pillow as though to cover himself up. 

 

 

"Désolé, désolé, mon amour!"- Tsukiyama managed to breathe out in between his roaring laughter, -"I-I just couldn't get to sleep because it was b-bothering me so much." 

 

Kaneki tried to look annoyed, frowning as hard as he could, but with his face undoubtedly the color of Tsukiyama's brightest red suit, he probably looked ridiculous. 

 

"I'm sorry, Ken..."- the man finally calmed down, reaching his hand out to Kaneki, -"Come here." 

 

Kaneki hesitated for a moment, still feeling incredibly embarrassed, but obliged anyway.

So he wasn't as sneaky as he hoped he was after all...

 

"At least now I know for sure,"- Tsukiyama whispered with a chuckle.

 

"One more word and you're sleeping on the couch,"- Kaneki answered and the man next to him had fallen the quietest he's ever been in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh and also, i edited the other chapters so that there are no more grammatical errors and added some new content.  
> not a lot of it, but if you wanna go back and re-read the fic, why the heck not uwu


	10. Confiance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mm I was super sad when i wrote this 
> 
> this goes out to all the shuu haters that say he just wanted to eat kaneki
> 
> read the manga you fucks

It was surprisingly cold in the morning. Like, _freezing_ cold. So cold that getting out of bed took around an hour and a half.

_A really nice hour and a half too, filled with kissing and cuddling._

But never mind that. At this moment, even while sitting in his pajamas (which consisted of Shuu’s oversized shirt and a pair of barely fitting sweatpants) with a warm fluffy blanket around his shoulders, Kaneki still shivered every now and then.

The cold seemed to come from within his own body, but he just blamed it on the feeling of emptiness he felt ever since Tsukiyama pulled out. Kaneki covered his face with his hands, still tremendously embarrassed to think about it.

He had sex. He had _sex._

Yesterday night he was way too exhausted and euphoric to bother thinking about anything at all but now the gravity of what happened really hit him hard.

It was his _first time_ and it was with a _man_ and that man was _Tsukiyama Shuu_ of all people. Should he even mention that this man is a _ghoul_ and he himself is a _half-ghoul_ and they are in _France_ and he _bottomed_ and-

There are just _too_ many variables in this crazy equation of his life. This is certainly not where he imagined he would be at 19 when he was younger.

But he wouldn’t change any of it for the world…

Except, maybe…

Kaneki glanced at the phone, still hanging in the corner of the room, still silent. Touka never called back, and Hide’s phone was still off (he confirmed it a few moments ago). He sighed heavily and wrapped himself tighter in the blanket, feeling colder than ever.

“Mon amour?”- Tsukiyama asked, emerging from the kitchen with two cups of warm morning coffee. He seemed to show up just in time to hear the depressed sigh coming from Kaneki.

“Is everything all right?”

Kaneki turned to look at him, not answering. Shuu was as gorgeous as ever, his pale skin gleaming in the sunlight streaming from the windows. His hair was messy and wet from his morning shower and pushed back from his face with a couple of hairclips. The pale pink tank top he wore showed off his perfect collar bones and the baby blue pants that fell just a tad too low displayed the beginnings of a happy trail, a shade darker than the color of his head. The half-ghoul couldn’t help but lick his lips at the display of such a beautiful sight.

Tsukiyama wandered over to the couch, his bare feet making patter noises on the floor in the otherwise silent room. The man slowly placed the two coffee cups on the table, careful not to spill a single drop, and then sat on the couch near Kaneki.

“Ken, you look… a bit off,”- he said, trying to place the expression on the half-ghoul’s face. Sad yet happy? Worried yet content?

Kaneki sighed, suddenly feeling incredibly drowsy.

“I’m just thinking-”- he began, but then stopped. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Or rather, he wasn’t sure whether what he was thinking was worth mentioning to the older man.

Here he was, the happiest he probably has been in the last couple of years or so, and yet he was still not relaxed. His mind kept going back to Hinami, Touka, Banjou, Yomo, Yoshimura, Koma, Irimi, Nishiki… and Hide.

His memories from the battlefield were foggy, as though they belonged to someone else or were taken from a long forgotten movie. Most likely the quinque stabbing through his skull damaged quite a few brain functions, and so he had no clue whether that lasting image of Hide’s smiling face and his hand on Kaneki’s shoulder was an actual memory or just a dream.

Either way, he was incredibly worried that his best friend wasn’t picking up his phone.

Tsukiyama seemed to pick up on that as me moved a bit closer, gently placing a hand on Kaneki’s knee, -“I-Is this alright?”

“What?”- Kaneki cocked an eyebrow, watching the man trace circles with his thumb on the gray fabric of his pants.

“This?”- Tsukiyama squeezed his knee a bit, looking embarrassed, -“That I’m… Touching you?”

Kaneki gaped incredulously at the older male. _Alright?_

“Shuu, you were literally inside me not even 24 hours ago and you’re asking me if touching my knee is _alright?_ ”

“I-I just… I want to make sure you feel comfortable with… anything I do,”- Tsukiyama said, sheepishly turning away.

Somehow, Kaneki felt that the spoken words held heavier meaning than they should’ve had...

And then it hit him.

Tsukiyama felt guilty.

He still felt guilty for trying to eat Kaneki all those months ago, and that guilt was part of the reason he was so cautious around the half-ghoul. Even after everything he’s done to atone for his betrayal, after everything _they’ve done,_ that idiot still wasn’t sure if Kaneki forgave him.  

And Kaneki immediately knew what to do.

Throwing the blanket off, Kaneki threw a leg over Tsukiyama, placing himself on the older man’s lap. Shuu, in turn, nearly choked from the suddenness of Kaneki’s actions.

“Wha-”- He began, but was interrupted by a wet, sloppy kiss from Kaneki. He tried kissing tenderly, softly, but he still knew that his damn inexperience made the kiss messy. Oh well, live and learn. 

When he was certain Shuu was out of breath, Kaneki pulled back and instead placed a peck on his cheek, and then lowered his head to the Gourmet's ear to whisper.

_“I forgive you, mon amour.”_

If Kaneki wasn’t so sure of the impossibility of it happening, he would’ve swore he felt Tsukiyama’s heart stop. And the next thing he felt were two strong arms tightly embracing him.

Tsukiyama deeply inhaled and placed a soft kiss on Kaneki’s neck.

“I love you,”- He whispered, nuzzling further into the half-ghoul's shoulder.

A few seconds passed, and Kaneki suddenly pulled back, cupping Tsukiyama’s face and staring into the man’s eyes.

He stroked Shuu’s cheek with his thumb, then the corner of his mouth and his lips, tenderly licking his own. And then, just as suddenly, he placed his thumb inside Tsukiyama’s mouth.

"G-Gah-"

“Here,”- He whispered gently pushing it in, -“Have a bite.”

Kaneki smiled as he saw Tsukiyama’s eyes widen and dart between the finger in his mouth and the man sitting on top of him. He felt the brush of a warm tongue as Tsukiyama tried to say something, tried to protest, and saw a trickle of saliva dripping down his chin.

“I trust you, Shuu,”- Kaneki continued, chuckling as he slowly moved his thumb, -“I trust you not to go crazy and eat the rest of me. I trust you and I want you to have the one thing you always wanted. So please, go ahead.”

Yes, Shuu losing control wasn’t a pretty thing. Kaneki saw him completely crazed over his scent before and even the slightest drop of his blood made the man go mad.

So the moment he saw Shuu’s pupils dilate and felt his teeth graze his skin, Kaneki closed his eyes, preparing himself. He almost regretted this decision, vaguely remembering the pain from Yamori’s pliers... But he needed to let Shuu know. 

He needed to show him the trust he held in his heart for the man he loved and he wanted to make him happy. _So happy._

And still, it took all the will he had not to flinch when Tsukiyama's lips tightened around his thumb and…

...

… and then nothing happened.

Kaneki slowly opened one eye, only to be met with a smiling Shuu gently removing his hand from his mouth. Taking the edge of the disregarded blanket, Tsukiyama wiped his saliva off of Kaneki’s finger, still not letting go of his hand.

“Ken… I appreciate the offer. I really do. It shows how much you really trust me,”- He laughed, softly kissing the back of the other man’s hand, -“But I... I just can’t. Even if ypu insist, even if you beg me to - never in my life can I ever hurt you again.”

Kaneki felt his mouth slightly drop and then felt tears stain his cheeks.

He didn’t bother hiding them, didn't bother wiping them away.

He was stunned. And _happy._

Because he didn’t expect Tsukiyama not to accept it. He didn’t expect him to keep calm and be so kind and gentle.

But then again, he really did underestimate him all this time. And this just proved it. 

And then Kaneki smiled, the brightest smile he could muster. 

“Thank you…”- He whispered, throwing his hands over Shuu’s neck, staining the man’s skin with his tears, -“Thank you so much…”

“For what, mon cher?”- Shuu laughed again, hugging him tight. 

_For being so kind… For always being here… For existing…_

“For loving me."

_Thank you so much_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this is another short one but good news!  
> i posted the [first chapter to another fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4799186) ehehe  
> have fun!


End file.
